Flirting 101: Can You Tell When a Non-Black Man is Putting the Moves on You?
Got dates?
So…how many girls up in here are getting their hair done today so they can look fly for that hot date tomorrow or Saturday night? Raise your hands!
Okay; now get out. This particular blog entry is for the ladies who have YET to get a date this weekend. Janice has recently hit pay dirt in her dating life, landing not one, not two but THREE dates with hotties of varied hues. So, she’s here so share some of her mojo in hopes it’s not too late for you to score this weekend. Now, we can’t guarantee that our advice could lead you to a weekend full of this, but hey! we’re pulling for you.
sizzz....she's got to tip toe, tip toe she's so hot! hee hee
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After months of not dating, I now have three pending dates with two ridiculously sexy Mexican men and a handsome vintage vanilla life guard (think James Brolin, less David Hasselhoff). Although I’m a firm believer that love (or in this case dates with men) come when you least expect it, I’m starting to think Christelyn has been working some of her swirl voodoo on me. (Damn that Barbie doll video.)
So what was I doing to warrant this attention? Honestly, it was nothing more than a smile and a sunny disposition – and a little flirting doesn’t hurt either. Admittedly, flirting is second nature to me. I’m a people person — one of those peppy A-Type personality Leos who enjoys the company of others and who makes others feel special in mine.
And I’ve been around that well-known block enough times to know women flirt differently than men. Or at least the goals are different. For women it’s usually a way to get a little attention or even some harmless fun with no expected end game — unless she’s at a bar and wants a free drink.
For men, there’s always an end game — and it’s always sex. (Fess up guys, you know it is!) As individuals, men flirt differently, but race and culture also play a part when a dude is steppin’ to a sista.
I’ve found black men, in general, aggressive. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I’ve been accosted by a brotha who went all Morris Day on me — “Baby, what’s your phone number?” — before even asking my name, or telling me his. (And, no, calling a woman a “bitch” after she turns you down is not endearing.)
“Ego and sense of entitlement,” have no place in flirting – and too many black men have it bad – notes Kimberley McCloud who gets into this more in her must-read article athttp://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/catcalls-flattering-or-fatal/.
Striking up a conversation, as it happened with the three guys who asked me out this weekend, is more typical approach for white, Latino, Asian and Middle Eastern men — and, yes, some decent black men, too.
Ladies, you know what I’m taking about – that man who says hello, followed by a firm handshake, a smile, a compliment and THEN he tells you his name before asking yours. From there, (okay, if he’s fine or remotely interesting) the chat leads to how often you frequent the place, why you enjoy said place and when you’ll be back again. No exchanging of phone numbers necessary in that first encounter.
“If I flirt with the girl for long enough, she’s more likely to have sex with me,” according to the unnamed columnist atjustaguything.com in his article, “The Art of Flirting (And How To Do It).”
And who knows how it might work out for the guys I’ll be going out with soon. (And, yes, I secretly have my own end game ideas for two of them.)
Fellas take heed from a dude who has the right take on the subject and see if changing your game doesn’t get you more than hurt feelings…
- Keep contact to a minimum. Nothing is more powerful in the flirting world than well-timed and placed body contact. Touching a woman should be the same as using your aftershave. Use with caution. If you overdo it, you’ll appear overbearing and creepy.
- Avoid over-confidence. If you’ve got all the right words and know exactly what to say to get her interested in you, there is a danger that she’ll take you as one of those slippery guys who have played women one too many times.
- Don’t play it too cool. Some guys prefer to take the ‘mysterious and cool’ approach by appearing dark and brooding from afar. This is all well and good but be aware than you have a limited window of opportunity to talk to her before you turn into the weird stalker who won’t stop looking at her. Instead, enjoy your evening and when she is available, just head over and talk to her. It’s really not rocket science!
- Don’t flirt with every girl in the bar. Women talk. With their friends and with strangers at the bar or in the toilet. Find a girl you’re interested in and focus on her. If it doesn’t work out then you might need to move on to the next place to find somebody else. For the complete article, go to http://www.justaguything.com/the-art-of-flirting/
Beyond Black & White 
It’s funny how black women love to attack black men for dating white women and pining after them. It seems at this site, the shoe is on the other foot (black women vis-a-vis white men).
Well at THIS site, we are open to dating men of various hues besides white. I know that certain men are threatened by BW expressing their options dating interracially, and I’ll admit that it is my mission in life to show BW that they CAN be happy and loved. If it’s with a black man, great. But considering we outnumber BM by a least 2 million, and 22 percent of BM are marrying non-black women compared to 9 percent of women, I don’t think there’s room for much criticism here, David. I’m an advocate for BW who want to be happy. If that makes me wrong, so be it. I take comfort in the fact that what we are doing here can potentially change to course of someone’s life.
But there still remains this obsession with dating men of different races. I think it should just focus on women dating men of all hues, including black. It’s just odd to me personally *shrugs*
And this is coming from an african woman that has dated men of ALL races for years.
Hey Deb, because most of the members on here are black, it’s pretty much implied that they ALREADY KNOW they have an option to date black men. What might not be so obvious, is that fact that there’s a whole other world out there. That’s the purpose of this blog. We are a community that provides support to BW who exercise their dating options with all hues, even…*pearl clutch* black men. Tell me something, do you often go on blogs about say, gardening, and point out that you “think it’s odd” that the members are so obsessed with tulips? Just wondering…
That’s fine and dandy, Random. Whatever works. I’ve also dated women of other races too and enjoy the diversity. I just would feel awkward making a blog that essentially glorifies this union as it were something unique or special. Skin is skin to me. Shanti
I doubt most black women under the age of 40 give a crap whether a black man dates a white woman or a pink one. Since the era of slavery black men have been sleeping with and fathering children from non-black women, and its ironically something the community never ostracized black men for it. Now on the other hand, black men and the ‘black community’ have obsessed over black women’s right to date and marry outside of their community, especially in time where they are the only ones holding down fatherless children.
I would also like to add on Deb F. comment. I think as women of African background (I mean those of us whose parents or grandparents are from Africa), our experience is completely different than black America. For one the historical barrier and racial stigma can only be compared somewhat to what happened to Southern Africa. African women, especially those from sub Sahara tend to marry European men and there is little stigma surrounding it, which is not the case in North America. For a long time the issue of black American women dating anyone else let along marrying them besides black men was a taboo, hence the sudden emergence of many blogs focusing on interracial dating/marriages. In a society where 70% of the population are non-blacks and 70% of black women are unmarried, it doesn’t take a genius to advocate for broadening ones dating options.
Whats with the Black women with bad weaves/wigs. It is so distracting in the photos above. These women would be waaaay prettier if just wore their natural hair as it grows from their scalp. Straight hair is not a game that everyone can play well.
I blame iStockphoto. Now that you mention it, the woman in the first photo’s bangs is getting on me nerves. SHE needed to go to the salon before that date.
Good article. I must admit, something. I always wonder why boys like “David Wise” above always need to share thier generalization (sp) about bw and ir. I guess every blog has it’s troll….
This is totally off topic but something else that I wanted to put out that I wanted to put in the online dating post you made, but why is that bm like “David Wise” are the ones that post in bw ir dating websites?
Maybe we should call him David UN-Wise. Sing with me! “Every rose has it’s thorn, every blog has it’s troll…la dee dee, la dee da…”
That’s my birth name, Random. My parents didn’t know it would be prophetic. You guys know you want to try the forbidden fruit after all these years. I can finally see the lust in your eyes. I didn’t know black women were so horny for white men until I started reading this blog. It’s cool. Black men have been crossing the line for years. I guess it’s the black woman’s turn. Have fun!
Btw, Regina, I’m a few months shy of 50, although I still have my youthful appearance. Hee, hee. What’s that saying about a hurt dog howling the loudest? If the shoe fits, you gotta wear it.
To piggy back off of what i posted in my second paragraph, I’ve noticed that on online dating websites that are exclusively for bw/non-bm, bm still post. Why is that? I’m sure there aren’t any bw that would post on a bm/non-bw dating website….
Regina, stay turned. We are going to address this very topic very soon. Should get interesting…:)
No big whoop to me. I go where the wind is blowing. Makes no nevermind to me.
lmao @ Morris Day and why did I, involuntarily, do his laugh when I read that?
The woman in the blog entry is so lucky! I wish I could be going on dates with two fine Mexican men right now. If I could meet a decent guy, my dating hiatus could end with the quickness. I think I have more problems with *where* to find decent, eligible men as opposed to how to attract them. So, where did Janice meet the men with whom she’s going on dates?
Elaine…I met the lifeguard on the beach where I frequent and the other two guys are regulars at my local farmers’ market.
I do tend to meet men in some unusual places: on an airplane (which began a two year long-distance romance with a white guy in Montana), in the supermarket (where I worked in college and dated one of the vendors who was white), at a class (where I met my Persian fling), at the mall (where I ran into an old high school buddy who later became my ex-husband who is black) and at the beach where I tend to walk many a morning (ended up going on one date with a white guy who finally stopped to say “hi” after weeks of running past me and waving).
You can meet men just about ANYWHERE. It’s just a matter of getting out there and being open to the exploration. Joining organizations or participating in activities outside of your normal social circle can be your first step, be it a yoga class, a work-related conference, volunteer to build houses, vacation on a singles cruise (a friend of mine met her future husband on one), frequent fun outdoor sporting events (being on the west coast, I’m a BIG fan of beach volleyball and will be following the circuit when it comes to the South Bay). Start shopping at a grocery store outside of your neighborhood. Make a habit of visiting your favorite neighborhood restaurant, coffee shop or cafe — it could land you a date with its hunky owner.
Granted, you may not find “the one,” but you may end up with a good friend who, better still, has a friend who might just be your Mr. Right.
Girl, I bet you are gorgeous! I wish I could meet men ANYWHERE.
Wow, ok that makes sense. I think I need a change of scenery because it seems most guys where I live are either boo’d up, married, gay, or those “Dungeon & Dragons” type geeks.
I will be staying tuned! I want to read that article! And LMAO @ your new song, “Every blog, has its troll!” I smell a record deal! 🙂
My point is that I think it’s important to keep that balance. I see something written negatively about black men to segue into a trait that non-black men possess. If your readers are open to dating men of all races including black men, you are certainly writing things that make one group have more worth than the other. It had that effect on me and I had to catch myself.
Look, I’m Nigerian. Do you know how many negative stereotypes are out there about African men? How many negative experiences people have had? Yet, when I date a non-african man, I don’t do it because I’m thinking that I’m avoiding certain scenarios with African men. I just do it because it happens and there’s mutual attraction..etc. I don’t hold non-african men with more worth than I do men of any african descent.
Anyway, this is just my personal interpretation of this entire blog. Thanks.
Deb, I’m afraid you misunderstand the whole point of this. When we note particular issues about black men, it’s definitely not an attempt to knock down every black man in America. And yet, we are not foolish enough to keep them on a pedestal as too many black women tend to do. It is the reason why too many eligible black women are still single, and are the least likely to date outside of their race and/or culture. We’re not saying this because we just want to promote a blog or sell some books (although we’d like to sell hundreds of thousands). Chris and I are both journalist and we started this venture because we were seeing what we feel is a troubling trend with black women. The research supports this fact. Period.
We are speaking to a specific group of women, black women, who need to hear what we have to say and should not be made to again feel guilty or “obsessive” about wanting to do something that is considered, at least in the African American community, outside of the norm. This blog may not be for you…but may be something of value to a woman you know whose turning blue in the face because she’s been waiting to exhale for much to long.
Ha ha you changed the picture! I would pay no attention to Deb or others
Deb F. –
Wow – Why are you here if the blog offends you so?
The fact is, african women are in a completly diff. situation than african-american women. Just because we share the same skin color doesn’t mean you ‘get it’. Check out the articules in the NY Times, Economist, Nightline – nearly 75% of black women are rasing children in single parent homes, black men are marrying women of other races at higher rates all the time and/or going to prison, the hip-hop ‘lifestyle’ has completly seized many communities, and black women are phiscially and sexually abused by black men at a rate of 22 TIMES higher than other women. All that, and fighting the concept of ‘black love’, negative sterotypes about black women in the media, and black women’s own terrible self esteem issues . . . .
So, yep – there needs to be blogs like this, encouraging black women to ‘date out’. I think the focus should be completly on men of other races, leave black men out entirely – 99% of bw already KNOW about black men. It’s all the other men they’re missing out on.
Please don’t comment on things you know nothing about, some of us find it deeply offensive.
In response to the post – Check out meetup.com! I wrote a super long thing about it under the online post the other day. I won’t repeat it all here, but meetup.com is excellent place to meet fellas.
Ali, where have you been all my life? 🙂
OOOh – by the way, this post must be fate. Everyone should chk out this website askmen.com. It’s a good website in general, to get inside the male mind – but what I like reading are Message Boards. I’ve been reading them for a coupe of years – it’s men who anoymously post VERY PERSONAL questions about sex, relationships, etc. Sometimes things get expicit – yes it’s a stupid embarrassing guilty pleasure, but my friend got me hooked, what can I say?
There was a post about approaching black women several weeks ago – it’s a response to an much earlier post from a white guy I think – about how to meet black women off-line.
The link: http://boards.askmen.com/showthread.php?114325-Response-to-nyc-white-guy-meeting-a-black-women-off-line
I hope that link works. It’s annoying because the black women all keep insisting that ‘no one wants black women, we are too ugly for white men, bottom of totem pole, black men forever, etc – grrrrrr. On a message board read by thousands of men across the country. THANKS A LOT LADIES.
Is there a way we can get rid of these ‘black love’ black women? Anyway, check it out.
Ali, I doubt many of these self-identified black women are for real. They are either other women who feel threatened by us, or some jack-arse black guy who think its funny. We are many things, but we tend to stick by each other against outsiders, and no self respecting, self loving black woman would go on a site mostly visited by non-blacks and bash herself. I might check the link and post a comment later in the evening.
flirting style of black men and non-black men are mostly different. For one, black men are more aggressive about it, while white and asian men tend to be very low key. For instance, if the guy @ your local deli starts offering suggestions about what you might like? or a guy @ the gym who isn’t one of the trainers, helps you with the weight…he’s flirting with you. Now having flirtation turn into a date is a totally different thing. From experience, same rules apply to men regardless of race, a man who is interested will approach you or chase you.
@ Ali,
I don’t know who posted that article but he/she snatched it up from an original article that I wrote for EzineArticles a while back. You can find it here http://ezinearticles.com/?White-Men-Dating-Black-Women—The-Secrets-to-Approaching-Black-Women&id=3730471 and on my website here http://datingwhilebrown.blogspot.com/2010/02/white-man-dating-secrets-to-approaching.html
Imitation is flattering but plagiarism is disgusting!
That EZINE/ASKMen article was ok, although I could have done without the stereotypes. I will give it credit, however, that it shows non-black guys that they shouldn’t be afraid to approach us. This message needs to be shouted from the rooftops, because this would so make our dating lives much easier.
I also like to add that I’m glad the guy said “ghetto black men” who do the hollas/catcalls/piropos from the street. I can’t imagine an educated brotha doing that at all.
@ Elaine,
What’s even more jacked up is not only did he not cite my work, he added those stereotypes and other garbage which didn’t come from my article. So without the link there’s no way in knowing what was actually written.
Selena, you know I assumed it was the same article because they seem similar, but your article was much better. I did notice he changed it and added stereotypes. That sucks! Was he trying to make it a big joke? I notice on the askmen page, if you read his latter comments, he said something like AA women are some of the biggest nutcases?! If you ask me, he’s the nutcase.
I needed this post! I’m horrible at telling when a guy is flirting with me…unless, I guess, they’re being really obvious about it. This is kind of off-topic, but a while ago I was sitting in my leasing office, messing with my phone, when this dude steps up to me and asks me if he can “have one”. I’m so confused at this point, like, what ?_? I say to him that it (the phone) was kind of expensive and I had to save in order to get it, but that I was sure he would be able to get one. Then he explained to me that he was talking about a text. Boy, did I feel silly. I’ll give it to him, though, that was one of the most original pick-up lines I’ve heard.
But yeah, this post is a definite eye-opener to how men of different races flirt. I’ll definitely be more aware now!
Well, 20,000 hits in less than a month proves there’s people out there who want to hear what I have to say. Does that irritate you? Um…I’m guessing yes!
Yep i have been the doe doe bird who has missed opportunities b/c i didn’t realize I was being hit on. The one that stands out the most (that i didn’t catch until the next day lol) was when I was in Vegas. I was was sitting at a BlackJack table waiting for my friend. There were a group of White guys also sitting at the table. I took out my cell phone (to call my friend) and one of the guys says “Oh are you trying to call me. here I am” or something to that effect. LOL. i didn’t really catch that as a flirt until the next day when I thought about it. i remember just smiling and laughing but i never went with it like I should have.
Thanks for chiming in. I think is a problem a lot of us have, because many of us are used to more aggressive overtures. I’m going to be working on this subject in detail so I can give you guys some insights from experts in dating, relationships and body language so that we can better identify these subtle cues. BTW, did you win anything at Black Jack?
Up early for a 10 mile run, but wanted to get my ‘beyond black and white’ fix before I leave for the day. . . . 🙂
Becca –
‘Have one?’ You’re not nuts – I’d be like wtf?
Selena – You think it was that bad? I admit, I was sorta semi-impressed. I thought that thing he wrote was not that bad, he did kinda call some things – all stuff we’ve heard/said before on many bw/wm, Evia, etc forums, but for a white/hispanic/whatever he is guy to come up with on his own – what I didn’t like was that afterward he said that ‘black women are nutcases’ and ‘black women are crazy’ and ‘my african girlfriend is so slim and hot and superior’ stuff. That was awful, and just made me feel bad like – is this how all men really sees us? I went back and couldn’t find it – but I think it’s from some book – ‘white men’s guide to black girls’. Which makes us sound like wild jungle beasts or something, and not reg. girls
Neecy – I’ve done the same thing, with a REALLY cute guy who was asking me out – I was kicking myself for weeks. Don’t worry, they’ll be others
@Ali
LOL, thanks. I mean, I get that technology is becoming *the* means for communication, but still, that was an unusual way to flirt. It’s nice to know that I’m not crazy or alone in thinking so.
And there are people writing their THESIS/books on how black women are ‘bottom or totem pole’!! I WANT TO KILL THAT GIRL!
Thanks Elaine 😀
You know I really don’t know what his intent was but I’m glad my article made somewhat of an impression.
But it would have been nice if he’d cited me. And that’s exactly what I told him on that message board.
It’s all about reciprocity. I’m no different than a writer for the big magazines or large blogs/websites.
I was going thru the same thing with another white male website owner. I will waste no time putting folks on blast!
Hello All: @ Selena- It’s horrible that the writer stole your work. Great piece by the way. Please keep writing. There are many of us who appreciate your advice.
one of main things that truly offends me as a black women is the double standard and the hypocrisy when it comes to dating. for instance other own races/ethnicity of both men and women can date outside their race only (whatever race or ethnicity it might be) with little hostility but once a black women choose to date a particular race of men only then everyone is already up and ready jump down her throat and tell her she should not single out black men because we are putting other races of men on pedestal… thats utter bullshit i say… sisters if you like to date outside your race and thats what you like feel free to do so… live your life like its golden..
This needs to be a mission statement posted on billboards and everything else everywhere. I wonder why interracial dating sites for black women always become hounded by black fe/males who only want to talk about black men, because for them every criticism is bashing, and the men are always looking for “dialogue”.
Black women have their own lives to lead. They should be allowed to talk about their life long experiences, and not have it questioned repeatedly as fable or black man bashing. Sometimes the truth is not pretty.
If the BC and selfish angry people didn’t care who black women dated or married, then I’d say there wouldn’t be a need for web sites dedicated to exploring all of their options in choosing a mate.
Betty Chambers has spoken! Thanks for visiting my blog! You readers who have not yet discovered Betty, click her on my blog roll.
Oh Selena –
Could I be any DUMBER! I’m sorry – please forgive my earlier comment – I just skimmed the comments before I wrote mine – this guy stole your work – didn’t realize that. That stinks!
I too have failed to pick up flirts from white men in Vegas. LOL! The first came from a man when I was standing in the guestlist line for Wet Republic. I wear my hair natural and I had it in a Huge fro-hawk that day with a little white flower to compliment. He was standing to the side and said, “i really like your hair. I love the natural. it looks beautiful on black women.” So of course, I just said a big THANK YOU! and went back about my business.
When I was in the pool another white guy approached and said my hair looked cool and he was going to steal my hair flower before the day was over and rock it himself. i thought he was just drunk and I didnt want him grabbing my flower, so I kept leaning away from him while kind of playing along. My guy friend who was with me (who’s gay) told me that the guy asked him why I was playing so “Hard to get.”
THEN guy #1 re-approaches me and confirmed that he was interested. we hung out later and he said he could notice that i cant tell when Im being flirted with. I told him that I cant distinguish a nice compliment from flirting!
White men definitely approach black women different. theyre so much more subtle! But one thing I do know, they LOOOOOOOVE natural hair.
This is true. Hubby lurves my hair natural too.
Some people think all white ethnicities are alike–Italians are more like some blacks or mexicans while anglos are more subdued when they flirt–Phillipinos are flirty also, but unmixed ones are too short for me–my husband is part Phillipino but 5’9″ because his grandfathers were white. Lastly, I find the Jew types love natural hair the best..(moses and zipporah) they have is also
Co-signing on the Italian and Mexican come-ons being similarly aggressive to BM. I just never had one say, “fuck you then, I didn’t like yo ass anyway!” when I rejected his advances.
We just have to quit putting all white men in a box though because it depends on where your groove is. I never did like the ‘wigger’ types anyway
LMAO! What is a wigger?
Chris, you can’t really be that innocent.
It’s a man who prefers his women in wigs … geesh!
HAHAHA!
What time zone are you in, nightowl?
Right now I’m on EST, but soon will be back on PST. Now I know my ABC’s, la la la la la la la.
First LOL of the morning. Thank you!
Did Infant wake you up?
Always.