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Psst! How hard (or easy) is it to date and marry an ‘ethnic’ man?

June 15, 2010

It’s a topic we’re going to really delve into here and in the book, so we need your help in getting some perspective on this issue.  Put simply, if you are dating or married to an ethnic man–Asian, Latino or Middle-Eastern and others–you are hereby not allowed to lurk!  Doing so will automatically result in waking up with a giant, pulsing pimple on your nose tomorrow morning.

Since my co-author, ace boon coon, bootleg psychologist, and mentor, Janice Rhoshalle Littlejohn has a dance card that looks like the United Colors of Benetton, I thought I’d have her take the lead on this one.

Give her a warm BB&W welcome!

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Janice, in all her springtime loveliness

Okay, at the behest of my co-author –- and after much kicking and screaming — I am joining the Beyond Black & White discussion. Nothing against any of you–I’m just a little e-shy when it comes to blogging. I have been happy to let Christelyn take charge in the social media sphere while I quietly busy away on the book.

But as I’ve been reading the post discussions of the past few weeks, I realized that much of the chatter has been decidedly black and white. So in the spirit of our book — and this blog — it’s time for us to go “beyond.” So I’m jumping in to add a little swirl to all this relationship talk, most particularly as it relates to culture and stereotypes.

Now I consider myself pretty open-minded about race and culture mixing, as I’ve had a colorful, cross-cultured, interfaith upbringing. When it came to dating, it was always the man, not his color or culture, that mattered most. Bijan*, however, was something new.

Persian and six years my junior, I was more than a little surprised when he expressed an interest in me. I’d never known any Iranian men who dated outside of their culture – and those that did, didn’t go black.

We met at a class, and hit it off immediately. He was smart, creative and ridiculously handsome. We spent weekends at the movies, going to concerts and museums, hanging out at the mall (he liked shopping for clothes almost as much as me); having lunch, going to dinner. I introduced him to mustard greens, black eyed peas and Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. In turn, he taught me how to kabob the hell out of anything and perfect several basmati rice dishes like a Persian pro. He even attended church with me – and really got into it (okay, what he really loved was “the band”).

Then 9/11 happened. His frustrations with ethnic profiling in the aftermath mirrored complaints my brother would lobby about Driving While Black incidents (which would happen even while not driving) or my dad shaking his head when some white women squeezed their purses a little tighter when he walked by. Of course I had felt the sting too, every time I’ve been shadowed by a sales clerk in a high-end boutique who was hovering not to help but to make sure I wasn’t trying to get a five-finger discount.

But there was no need to minimize his pain. Mine was no greater than his; just like the horror Jews suffered in the Holocaust is no less or greater than horrors African Americans feel about slavery; nor less or greater than the horrors of the U.S. internment of Japanese Americans.

And yet it’s not just about empathizing, but learning to understand that is key to healthy, successful intercultural or interracial relationships, says Detroit psychologist Gail Parker who specializes in this area.

Although my relationship with Bijan got a little hot and heavy, things eventually cooled down between us. The ink on my divorce papers had barely dried, and he was ready for a girlfriend and someone with whom he could eventually settle down. If the timing had been right, I wonder how we could have navigated through our cultural differences. Could I have learned Farsi? Would he have embraced my faith?

Having serious relationships with men with strong cultural ties (Middle-Eastern, Hispanic and Asian) often comes with familial pressures to marry their own, religious conflicts and certain gender biases. I’ll be uncovering these issues and how conflicts can be resolved (or not) as I continue writing the book.

And speaking of which, I’ve really got to get back to work. Nice chatting with you all…

*Name has been changed

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69 Comments leave one →
  1. June 16, 2010 12:13 am

    Well.. a blog I can get into… As a Black women living in china.. married to a chinese man… have I got stories to tell.. well.. actually i do tell them on my blog.. http://www.lifebehindthewall.wordpress.com.. however.. i want to share some of my experiences here… mostly how other black americans react when I tell them my husband is chinese… I expected the Chinese people to be a little freaked out.. since it is sooo..unusual.. but.. I thought my people would understand… you would be amazed at the comments… and attitude. I was even told my my family.. that they do not marry our kind… I said.. really… someone better tell him.. since he married me to my brother asking my husband if he ate cats… lucky my husband was clever enough to say.. CATs.. there is no meat on cats.. dogs are much better… I even had my close girlfriends tell me.. that Asian men were not sexy.. and that they just couldnt satisfy her sexually… however, she had never had sex with an Asian man to find out. I made a point introducing my friends to the most handsome, sexiest Asian men I knew.. just to prove my point that they are sexy… I think.. black/white relationships.. are more seen .. so they are getting more and more acceptable visually.. but black/asian.. not so much.. even though.. Asian men have the highest single/unmarried rate… and Black woman single/unmarried… hello… this would be a very powerful couple.. think about it people…two strong, intelligent, caring people.. together .. amazing… as for cultures..give and take.. acceptance and tolerance ..should be in every relationship.. not only an interracial one… but.. honestly.. i think we try harder to make it work.. because others think it wont…

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 16, 2010 12:21 am

      Woo hoo! So glad to see you here!

  2. David Wise permalink
    June 16, 2010 12:23 am

    The relationship “got a little hot and heavy, things eventually cooled down between us.” That’s it? Okay, I see.

    • Janice Rhoshalle permalink
      June 16, 2010 12:43 pm

      Dude, what more do you need? This ain’t sex and the city.

  3. randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
    June 16, 2010 12:23 am

    lifebehindthewall :

    Well.. a blog I can get into… As a Black women living in china.. married to a chinese man… have I got stories to tell.. well.. actually i do tell them on my blog.. http://www.lifebehindthewall.wordpress.com.. however.. i want to share some of my experiences here… mostly how other black americans react when I tell them my husband is chinese… I expected the Chinese people to be a little freaked out.. since it is sooo..unusual.. but.. I thought my people would understand… you would be amazed at the comments… and attitude. I was even told my my family.. that they do not marry our kind… I said.. really… someone better tell him.. since he married me to my brother asking my husband if he ate cats… lucky my husband was clever enough to say.. CATs.. there is no meat on cats.. dogs are much better… I even had my close girlfriends tell me.. that Asian men were not sexy.. and that they just couldnt satisfy her sexually… however, she had never had sex with an Asian man to find out. I made a point introducing my friends to the most handsome, sexiest Asian men I knew.. just to prove my point that they are sexy… I think.. black/white relationships.. are more seen .. so they are getting more and more acceptable visually.. but black/asian.. not so much.. even though.. Asian men have the highest single/unmarried rate… and Black woman single/unmarried… hello… this would be a very powerful couple.. think about it people…two strong, intelligent, caring people.. together .. amazing… as for cultures..give and take.. acceptance and tolerance ..should be in every relationship.. not only an interracial one… but.. honestly.. i think we try harder to make it work.. because others think it wont…

    Thanks for contributing. Going to take notes…

  4. June 16, 2010 1:02 am

    Any BW or AM seriously interested in such, must check out this social networking site:

    Black Women Asian Men United

    • Janice Rhoshalle permalink
      June 16, 2010 12:41 pm

      Thanks for this site suggestion. I’ll definitely check it out.

  5. June 16, 2010 6:09 am

    in my other life.. when I was still dating.. i use to put myself on those Asian dating sites.. trying to get my Asian prince.. and I did meet several Asian men interested in Black woman.. but.. the strange thing I noticed was the fact that many Black men tried to contact me. I felt this kind of strange since I specifically said I wanted an Asian man. I began to realize that .. these men were contacting me.. because they thought that … They were better than Asian men.. and that I was just confused and would forget about the Asian men as soon.. as I saw thier faces. I had to tell them time and time again.. that I was was attracted to Asian men.. and that was who I wanted to hook up with. There were always the regular questions.. what is wrong with a black man? They cant give you what I Can… I often told them.. that ..it is my life and my choice… strange.. how black men show know interest until they feel that you are going outside the race… as they say…

    • Browncow permalink
      June 16, 2010 7:05 am

      I find that interesting as well. You’re vapor until you start looking at non-black men. I don’t understand why they would respond to you if you are on an Asian dating site anyway. Aren’t they scoping for non-black women? And what is that “They can’t give you what I can” BS anyway? Is it another BM eluding to his supposedly monstrous magical mandingo genitals? As if that is the only thing that matters during sex. It’s a myth!! A stereotype that was created to dehumanize BM, but they love it anyway because that is the only thing that they think they have to offer. Newsflash: If all you have to offer is some mythical genitals then you don’t have anything to offer. A big d*ck does not pay my bills, be a father to my children, love me, support me emotionally, or clothe me. It’s just what it is, a big d*ck. Besides, if you can work it, you don’t have to talk about your monstrous magical Mandingo (Viking, Mongolian, Persian, Germanic,…you get the idea) genitals. You just work it.

      • June 16, 2010 7:22 am

        soooo.. true… tell it like it is….I too thought it was strange that they were answering my profile… and this “I am more of a man because of my genitals” thing has got to go… unfortunately… this has some Asian men thinking that they arent able to make BW happy …and makes them afraid to ask us out in some cases.

        I am lucky my husband, self-confidence is higher than most Chinese men here…Other local Chinese men look at him like he is the king in the bedroom… married to an American .. and a Black American at that… all these stereotypes… get on my nerves sometimes… they act like he has conquered the wild woman or something… pitiful. As for the parent thing, i was also lucky.. that my in-laws accepted me.. so i didnt have the issue that a lot of others have with Chinese in-laws.

  6. Browncow permalink
    June 16, 2010 6:27 am

    Oh I have experience in this area! Who knew? I’ve always been an equal opportunity dater and my very first real boyfriend was Cambodian/Chinese. We met in college and though at first I wasn’t attracted to him (I actually was hot for his younger brother), his persistence paid off and I went out with him. We were together off and on for 3 1/2 years. We were off and on for a reason. His family. Particularly his mother. She only wanted her children to date/marry Cambodian or Chinese (not just Chinese, her particular ethnicity of Chinese). We dated for over a year before I even met another member of his family outside of his brother who went to the same college. Anyways, long story short, his family won. I was his secret college girlfriend and his mother was none the wiser for quite a while. When she found out that we were more than friends, she warned him that she would boot him out of the family. He continued to string me along and then finally said that he couldn’t choose between me and his family. It hurt, but he thought I was still going to be with him until he found a new, more suitable person. He was wrong. I simply waited and planned to break up with him after our vacation to Disney World. I set the whole thing up. It was no less than he deserved. I almost wish I had cheated on him for good measure, but I wasn’t like that, but hind sight being 20/20, I would have done it. Really, I would do it if I had the chance again. But that’s neither here nor there.

    I also was engaged to an Indian man like 9 years ago. I was deep in a religious organization and was kind of set up with this Indian guy. Never mind that he didn’t have my basic criteria (not all Indian guys in this country are computer geniuses or doctors!), he was a part of my faith and that was all I required at the time. He was not a nice guy. He didn’t love me and the cultural BS was too much to bear. He was color struck, but since I was nice to him and did for him he kind of stayed around (sound familiar?). Strange enough, his family loved me and wanted me in it. Well I finally realized that this was going nowhere and decided to break of the engagement 3 months before we were to go to India for our wedding. I wish I had done it sooner, but I had to gather my strength.

    Anyways, my experiences with Asian men in relationships has been not very good, but that is because I didn’t know about proper vetting at the time (I was in my early 20’s). I was also under the impression that since we were both people of color in this country that we were all in the same boat and had a common thread. NOT!!! I have found that a lot of Asians are just as or even more racist than white people are believed to be. That has just been my experience. The strange thing has been that I am an Asian guy magnet! It’s like they just knew I would be interested (well not any more since I’m married), but after that first experience I always made it a note to talk about the difficult subject of family first before getting into a relationship with anyone.

    I know that there are some really awesome guys out there, I just ended up with the crap, so don’t go by me and my experiences. My advice would be to vet the Asian hottie of your choice and definitely ask the tough questions first. If this guy is coming up shaky and shady about it, cut it. Don’t even have another date with this guy. I think I’ve said that there is crap in every color. Just make sure you don’t get crap, vet the guy like crazy, and you should be fine. I still find Asian men attractive and I know that with their strong family values they can be wonderful mates and fathers. Good luck!

  7. randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
    June 16, 2010 8:58 am

    Thanks for contributing, ladies. These are VERY insightful, not just to me but to other women reading this.

    Keep them coming!

  8. MDR permalink
    June 16, 2010 9:29 am

    Yes, very insightful. Although I am happily married to my Black prince, I’m passing this on to my single Black friends so they can be encouraged to wait no more!! Embrace ones heart not the color of ones skin.

  9. randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
    June 16, 2010 9:31 am

    MDR: big thanks for spreading the word. This is a movement!

  10. Lauren permalink
    June 16, 2010 11:20 am

    I am an African-American woman who has been dating a Mexican-American man. We are both Ph.D. students at a prominent university in Texas and we met through mutual friends at a show of his. He is very talented musician belonging to several bands.

    This was my first relationship with a Mexican-American, although I had dated other Latinos (Columbian and Puerto Rican) before. I think we meshed well because I love learning about different cultures, particularly Latino ones, and because he has always had a deep love for black music – jazz, rock & roll, etc. Well also both LOVE vintage things and would often go antique shopping together. We love good food and good wine. I think the important thing is to find someone who has similar values and interests. That is what allowed us to work so well together.

    It has been pointed out that most discussion about black women in interracial relationships revolves around them being with white men. There is a rather large silence about black women who choose to date non-black minority men. I think the reason behind this is two fold: (1) White men make up the majority of the male population, so strictly based on numbers it would be more common to see a black woman with a white man and (2) It is assumed that African Americans share a special closeness with white Americans that we evidently are not supposed to share with other non-black men of color. However, as it has been alluded to above, black women often sympathize with the struggles of Asian, Latino, etc. men because we are also people of color.

    When the man I have been dating and I would walk around in TX we would often get stares from all different races and ethnicities. And it seems as if Mexican Americans would often stare the hardest. Perhaps it was because, while he is visibly Mexican, he is very light skinned. He and I would laugh about all of the attention. He often says, “Why are people so concerned? What could be a more messed up pairing than a Mexican man and a black woman? They are trying to send me back to Mexico and you back to Africa!”

  11. MadamCJCPA permalink
    June 16, 2010 12:12 pm

    I wouldn’t say it was difficult at all. Three of my ex-boyfriends were all hispanic; one was Dominician, one was Puerto Rican, and the other was Mexican. I don’t think it was ever a problem for me because my best friend is Puerto Rican and I’m treated as a member of the family. My other really close girlfriends are Mexican and Mexican/Puerto Rican mixes, and hanging with them all throughout high school I learned to speak fairly decent Spanish. When we all turned 21 we hit up all the Salsa/Meringue nightclubs and I never felt out of place.

    I think I dated most of them not so much as my friends are hispanic, but that at the time I was still self-conscious about my choice to date out and hispanic men aren’t viewed as much as sell out as white men. Hispanic men do come with a lot of the same drama you find with black men so that is something to consider.

  12. Janice Rhoshalle permalink
    June 16, 2010 12:40 pm

    This has been quite an interesting dialogue. Thanks so much for chiming in. I am as intrigued by the black woman/asian man dynamic as I am the black woman/hispanic man coupling as I have several close friends who are either products of such pairings or are in those relationships now (plus, I briefly dated a Mexican man as well). Would love to be in contact with you ladies offline for a more thorough discussion of this for the book. Yours are definitely the kinds of voices other black women need to hear as they seek their own intercultural partnerships.

    • June 16, 2010 7:55 pm

      I would be happy to share my experiences with you… although I am now married to a wonderful Chinese man.. i have dated… Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, and Indian… so my Asian man experience is quite .. experienced i guess you can say..(smile).. Some good .. and some bad.. but all.. interesting… I even almost Married the Vietnamese guy… however, somethings… stopped that .. and the Indian guy.. basically told me.. I was marrying him… so you see why that didnt work.. you cant tell people… to marry you .. you ask them.. but he was kind of lost on that concept.. and a doctor too… poor man was having that god complex… anyway.. i would be happy to share… you can get my email from my website.

  13. lafemmenoir permalink
    June 16, 2010 1:34 pm

    I have dated men from different races, except white, my current pursuit. 🙂

    I dated a mexican man that was an immigrant. He’d been living in the US for about 3 years. He owned his own landscaping company and service most of the homes in my community. He was nice enough and we went on interesting dates. I noticed that when we went out, the waiters would address me in spanish, not english. I speak a little spanish, but not well enough to keep up in a typical spanish conversation. It irritated me too that he did not address the issue until I brought it up. I felt like I was being petty, but what was I supposed to do? Eventually we went our ways because I don’t think that he was able to take the looks from the brotha’s, you know? I knew that most of the time he would want to frequent places in hispanic communities because of this.

    Another guy I dated was puerto rican/mexican mix. His mom was puerto rican and his dad mexican. His family was VERY accepting of our relationship and I went to many of their family gatherings. When we started dating I was somewhat shy, but his family had a way of making anyone talkative and outgoing. He was a part-time DJ and would throw these impromptu get togethers. His friends list spanned the “rainbow” and he could talk to most anyone. I really liked him and he was so down-to-earth. We parted ways because he relocated to help out an older family member with their business. I was going to go with him, but at the time, I had joint custody with my ex and he refused to let my kid move out of state. Two years later, he could care less where we moved. Jackass. Anyhow, my relationship fell apart because of the distance.

    I dated a Japanese guy for a few weeks who was a closet racist(towards whites). He was kinda’ wild and liked to party. It didn’t work out because I am really not the hard partying type, I don’t even drink alcohol. I think that he was hoping that I was like a black panther member or something. I was such a disappointment to him, I could sense it. He was very good at hiding his true self and I sometimes got a weird vibe from him. I can’t really say what it was though. I never met his family. We would get a lot of stares when we wnet out, but I didn’t care. I think that some people are uncomfortable with AM/BW combinations, because I got stares from all people, not of any particular race. I had a friend who was dating an AW, he was a BM and when me and my Egyptian guy would go out with them, they never got stares, not any that I noticed anyhow. Strange…

    I dated an Egyptian guy for about 2 years. He was a wonderful guy. I met his mother, father and brother when they came to visit from Egypt. They were very nice to me. He and I drifted apart over time. He began working longer hours and since he lived in a neighboring state and the commute was 2 hours for us to visit, it became a burden for both of us. The thing that I liked about him is that he was bold, very bold. He would go with me to visit family and friends, to cultural events, and we even travelled together. Some Egyptians have a very mixed-race black/white look to them, and he was one of them. Most people didn’t realize he wasn’t black-ish until he opened his mouth. He did not get intimidated by the stares and we would get irritated with me if I did. We still speak periodically, but are no longer together. At the time that we were dating we were both muslims, although we both had gotten to the point where we were no longer observing the basics. Also, I think that an underlying issue was a contributing factor to our breakup. I had a college(s) degree and he was a tradesman. Sometimes he would make comments about it and I think that sometimes it bothered him, but he never really came out and said anything about it.

    I am not sure if any of thst is helpful or not. Hopefully it was.

  14. MizVikZen permalink
    June 16, 2010 1:56 pm

    sorry about the post on fb. I try to keep my posts there short and sweet. With that said, I think that location is everything. I live in NY state which is two different worlds in one: NYC and every place else. In NYC, you might find an Asian man willing to date a black woman but anywhere else, such as upstate where I live, not so. Maybe with the younger crowd, yes but us seasoned ladies (36+), not so. I don’t know why Asian men have gotten such an emasculating bad rap from the public. I have seen some very yummy ones I think the media does them a great disservice regarding them and their individual cultures. California is just a different planet all together…

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 16, 2010 2:11 pm

      Thanks for coming over here, Vikki. I agree with you that Asian men have gotten a chummy wrap and there are indeed some hot ones out there. I remember hearing jokes about Asian men from other black women regarding their…uhm…lack of endowments. I think it’s a stereotype that persists.

      As for location–I agree with you 100%. In fact, I’m dedicated an entire chapter to this issue.

      • June 16, 2010 8:01 pm

        See.. that is why I moved to china… millions of Asian men .. just waiting to be plucked… (smile)… and by the way.. in the media over here.. the Asian men are macho, and sexy.. and actually get romantic in the movies.. they even have Jet Li and Jackie Chan in sex scenes.. so it is the American movie and media industries that do that to them….Because in China… they are more than just Action heros and intelligent people… they are “sex gods” hehehe..

    • Janice Rhoshalle permalink
      June 16, 2010 4:26 pm

      Indeed, and I love planet Cali.

  15. June 16, 2010 2:15 pm

    I am married to a Latin male and I have always gone for the man vs the ethnicity. I’ve dated latinos, Indians, Syrians, Italians and the main thing for me is that they are men. They are not their ethnicity – I can chose a bad man of any ethicity just as much as me choosing a bad man who is black. The thing is, though, that dating outside

    I found that I had the most issues in NYC – my now DH and I met and fell in love in NYC and I cannot tell you how much we were approached by people of both ethnicities who disagreed. In fact, I was once told that I was “betraying the black race”. I could not and still cannot understand it. We moved out of NYC and into the suburbs and don’t even get side eyes here. Every family in the supermarket looks like the UN.

    The trick we found to making our almost 20 year marriage last is an openness in dealing with each other’s culture. Another thing that helped was exposure to other cultures. We love learning about other cultures and our friends are as universal as our lives – from Brazilians, russians, turkish, West indians, Greeks, Americans, etc. I do have to admit though that we tend to keep certain AAs away from community gatherings unless I am sure that they have the capacity to communicate in a multicultural environment.

    I have girlfriends who have never been exposed to other cultures (Strange but true), if they hear a latin song come on they change the station, they have never watched a bollywood movie, they have never seen a bellydancer dance, I could go on and on but it is this level of ignorance that causes BW women to wait and wait and accept what ever guy that wants them. One of my friends actually explained to me that she stayed with her BF, a “good black man” because he did not hit her and understood her when she spoke! WOW talk about low standards.

    • bgurrl permalink
      June 18, 2010 3:23 pm

      I have friends and family like that too. I told them watch a Bollywood movie at least once. It will change your life!

  16. Mabel permalink
    June 16, 2010 3:53 pm

    I remembered when I lived in Jamaica and after hurricane Gilbert devastated the island, we got help from Korean Engineers and electricians. Many of them ended up marrying Jamaican women. The only criteria I remembered them having was that the women had to be childless and willing to relocate to the man home country. As far as I know all the marriages are still intact and the women seem quite fulfilled in their lives. Then again Jamaican women have always opened up themselves to interracial relationships. Some of these women are simple village girls, uncultured, who are now married to Swiss and German millionaires. Yet there are AA women with Master’s and PHDs who are willing and ready for a relationship and can’t find one. I am so happy my AA sisters are finally waking up out of the coma and pressing forward to having it all.

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 16, 2010 4:38 pm

      Mabel, I never knew that about Jamaican women. I wonder what cultural influences facilitated that kind of openness, very unlike AA women.

      • Mabel permalink
        June 16, 2010 5:06 pm

        Three of my high school friends are now married to white men. One lives extremely well and others are doing well themselves. All are happy and having the time of their lives.

      • beautifulbrown permalink
        June 16, 2010 7:43 pm

        well being a jamaican woman i can tell you that it has alot do with these reasons which are we never went through a period of racial segregation and we live in a predominantly black country.. therefore i believe most black men here do not really care that much about us dating out and also black women and men of other races could get married even when jim crow was taking place in america. i mean we do not even use the term interracial, i never even knew about that term until about few years ago because for all i know whether you date in or outside your “race” its a relationship..

      • June 16, 2010 7:44 pm

        Jamaicans have a multicultural background. Although they do have some prejudices, they tend to be open to all cultures – The country’s motto is “out of many one people”. Basically we are a heins mix in terms of culture – Asian, German, African, etc.

      • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
        June 16, 2010 9:27 pm

        Funny, I think that is on the American dollar too! Anyone? Anyone?

  17. BlkQueenBee permalink
    June 16, 2010 4:01 pm

    randomthoughts, I’ve heard those comments from both black and white women about Asian men and their sexual equipment. But I think they’re just repeating what somebody else that doesn’t know what they’re talking about has said to them.

    I had a sister explain it to me this way, “Look, you ever seen an Asian man in a porno movie? You see white guys and black guys and latin guys in porno movies, but you never see no Asian guys. Don’t that tell you something right there?” As if this was somehow definitive. I think those poor guys get bad press in this regard, the whole “endowment” thing.

    You see Asian guys (especially mixed-race Asian guys) in Hawaii with other-race women fairly often, but it’s rare to see it in other places.

    • Janice Rhoshalle permalink
      June 16, 2010 4:28 pm

      I find this “endowment” issue (or lack thereof) quite interesting. Might have to dig a little deeper into that in the book.

      • June 16, 2010 8:08 pm

        even in china… they show “yellow movies” and “pink movies” underground of course.. because it is illegal here to have porn… and they are all with western people. This is because… IT IS ILLEGAL HERE… no Asian men would be in the porns because they cant here… and in the culture they come from .. these kind of things are not done…. on top of the fact.. they are freaked out by the sight of the “huge” members that other men have.. on the movies. They have never seen any different so they assume that this is all Western men.. and then they feel less of a man.. even my husband has told me these things.. he says.. to me.. i think I am okay for a Chinese…Not too big.. but not small either.. I told him.. it doesnt matter… Your heart is big.. so that is what matters… that usually stops the conversation. (smile).. I am a clever girl.. hehehe

      • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
        June 16, 2010 9:24 pm

        Yes, indeed you are. BTW you have a book in you. Better start working on it!

    • Mabel permalink
      June 16, 2010 5:04 pm

      Keni Styles is an Asian porn star of Thai origin and he is packinggggggggg, and trust me if you saw him in action you would be awed. You have to see him to understand what I am talking about, I cannot even describe his performances.

      • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
        June 16, 2010 5:52 pm

        *Off to Google Keni Styles …;)*

      • June 16, 2010 8:14 pm

        Damn it… Mr. Styles is blocked on Hong Kong Google…

      • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
        June 16, 2010 9:13 pm

        Just saw him…he’s cute and has a sexy accent. But …damn I blushed when I stumbled onto his official web site! I think I need a cold shower, metal brush, bleach and and S.O.S. pad before I’ll feel clean again…

  18. June 16, 2010 9:32 pm

    I have been trying to get the book thing together… i am in china.. so publishing is cheaper.. just trying to figure out the angle I am going to take… your my inspiration … i will finish this thing.. and publish it.. I think I can.. I think I can…

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 16, 2010 9:54 pm

      Angle? Angle? You’re LIVING the angle! Do you know how many people would be fascinated with a book about a black expat married to a Chinese man? All your stories and experiences could easily fill pages.

      • June 16, 2010 10:01 pm

        Your right .. of course… I guess I never thought about it because.. well.. I am just living my life.. but Now that you say that … you make it so easy.. (smile).. thats it.. I am doing it… I will start today…got my ginger and green tea… and I will be dedicating my first book .. to those of you that support me online and read my blog… work it.. work it…

  19. randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
    June 16, 2010 10:07 pm

    lifebehindthewall :

    Your right .. of course… I guess I never thought about it because.. well.. I am just living my life.. but Now that you say that … you make it so easy.. (smile).. thats it.. I am doing it… I will start today…got my ginger and green tea… and I will be dedicating my first book .. to those of you that support me online and read my blog… work it.. work it…

    And you must call it “Life Behind the Wall” because it is oh so perfect!

  20. June 16, 2010 10:12 pm

    Yeah.. i was thinking that too… it will also let everyone know .. its me.. so.. i am one of those people that once I say i am going to do something.. i dont waste time.. I git R done.. .(thus moving to china.. alone) .. so watch for it “life behind the wall” coming to a bookstore near you .. very soon.. can someone hook me up with Oprah.. ?

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 16, 2010 10:18 pm

      Oprah’s caput next year. But I’ll toot your horn if I make it big!

  21. Ton Tai-Tai permalink
    June 17, 2010 4:50 am

    Wow, I’m glad I came below the line to read the comments! My husband is Mongolian (immigrated to Tokyo from Ulaangab when he was 26 and I met him a decade later on his vacation to Oahu), and although people try to stare us down and be nosy, our relationship feels very natural and normal like the rest of the world’s. I haven’t personally met couples like us, but I do know they exist–LifeBehindtheWall, Hubby and I live between Tokyo and San Diego now, but are planning to become Hong Kongers eventually. I’m bookmarking your site right now ^_^

    Love your blog, Christelyn…you are always a great conversation starter!

  22. Elaine permalink
    June 17, 2010 7:33 am

    I personally have only dated Latino men (Mexican, Honduran, Colombian, Puerto Rican). I have been interested in learning Spanish and embracing the different cultures of Spanish speaking cultures since middle school, so I met the guys in settings when I was immersing myself in these cultures. I can’t say that I’ve had the best dating experiences ever; basically it seems that I’ve had the same dating problems as women who dated black men. The cultural differences were not the big issue that caused the end of the relationships, rather it was the guys’ insecurities/immaturity.

    As far as attraction, I never had problems attracting Latino men, because once they noticed that I was interested in immersing myself in their culture(s), they probably figured that I would be interested in dating them as well. Although I do get the feeling a lot of those men are initially afraid to approach because some black women are quite vocal about not dating “others”.

    Right now I am actually opened to dating anyone, but my preference is definitely towards Latino men (and lesser extent other non-black minorities). I will eventually be fluent in Spanish, and when I have a child, I want my daughter or son to be bilingual from the very beginning. Thus, I would want a marry a Latino man (who speaks Spanish and have strong ties to his culture) with whom I could raise the bilingual/bicultural children.

    I do hope to either live in NYC or travel abroad, so hopefully I will have more diverse dating experiences. Then I will be able to contribute more to discussions such as these.

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 17, 2010 7:47 am

      I think your interest and connection to your attraction’s culture is key. Thanks for mentioning that. And about BW being vocal about not dating outside the race and messing it up for everyone else, I’ll have something to say about that next week.

    • June 17, 2010 8:01 am

      in my other life.. i dated a lot of latin men… I always had a little weakness for the accent.. and the dark hair, sexy looking eyes…they always know the right sexy things to say.. no one can get you going like a latin man… whew… but they tend to be quite jealous and possesive… more than most. I always say they do everything with passion… when they party they party passonately… love passonately.. and fight passionately… they are a very passonate people.. and I felt it to be too much.. at times. the emotions.. run hot.. and it causes you to be just as emotional… I personally felt too much drama… I am fluent in spanish.. so I can communicate and I also jumped into the culture fully… but in my heart.. of hearts.. the Chinese culture attracted me more… the long history, the martial arts… the traditional clothing… such beauty.. i was sucked in for good. My husband an I always share our histories with each other… we feel.. it is good to be a part of each other.. so.. i always smile when he says something or does something that reminds me of my culture… so.. I feel you are correct when you say.. the attraction is not always to just the man but to his culture and background even more so. I am attracted to the traditional ideals and ways… sometimes if feels like .. this is the way it is suppose to be.. the strong sense of family, the man takes care of the home and the wife… every thing seems to be in its place…. strange coming from a strong Black woman.. but.. as my grandmother told me… a real strong woman lets the man be the head of the family and the woman is the neck… and turns the head the way she wants…. i love that woman.

  23. Lovelybubbly permalink
    June 17, 2010 8:14 am

    I am African american my family is Louisiana Creole I am happily married to an Indian man whom I met at work. He was not my first ethnic man, I actually always had my dating pool open to any men of quality and for some odd reason I always attracted men from other ethnic groups: Islanders,Arabic,Indian, Italian and men from spanish speaking countries. My husband just turned 45 yesterday, he is from a different religion than myself Sikh he also was born and raised in North India didn’t come to the US until he was 24 and he also is from a different class than me I grew up very poor primarily raised by my loving but overwhelmed grandmother but my husband’s father was the station master of the Railroad system in North India he bought a farm on 77 acres and oil was found on the land my husband grew up on a 77 acre farm with maids and servants never worked until he came to America. So I married a man from a different class,religion and culture than me and you know none of those things mattered or got in the way of our closeness. What I have observed is that men from other countries are not as self absorbed or agressive as American men and most our very much into family and having a wife.

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 17, 2010 8:35 am

      Me thinks I’m going to have to use many of these stories in the book! 🙂

  24. MadamCJCPA permalink
    June 17, 2010 11:44 am

    lifebehindthewall :in my other life.. i dated a lot of latin men… I always had a little weakness for the accent.. and the dark hair, sexy looking eyes…they always know the right sexy things to say.. no one can get you going like a latin man… whew… but they tend to be quite jealous and possesive… more than most. I always say they do everything with passion… when they party they party passonately… love passonately.. and fight passionately… they are a very passonate people.. and I felt it to be too much.. at times. the emotions.. run hot.. and it causes you to be just as emotional… I personally felt too much drama… I am fluent in spanish.. so I can communicate and I also jumped into the culture fully… but in my heart.. of hearts.. the Chinese culture attracted me more… the long history, the martial arts… the traditional clothing… such beauty.. i was sucked in for good. My husband an I always share our histories with each other… we feel.. it is good to be a part of each other.. so.. i always smile when he says something or does something that reminds me of my culture… so.. I feel you are correct when you say.. the attraction is not always to just the man but to his culture and background even more so. I am attracted to the traditional ideals and ways… sometimes if feels like .. this is the way it is suppose to be.. the strong sense of family, the man takes care of the home and the wife… every thing seems to be in its place…. strange coming from a strong Black woman.. but.. as my grandmother told me… a real strong woman lets the man be the head of the family and the woman is the neck… and turns the head the way she wants…. i love that woman.

    Yes! I can totally relate that is what I loved about Latin men the passion, but back then at 21 years old I was pretty strong willed and fiercely independent (I am woman, hear me ROAR!). One of my exes used to call everyday under the pretense that he wanted to hear how my day went when in reality he wanted to know where I was, who I was with, and whether or not I bought HIM anything.

    “Rules” girl that I was, I had my own life that did NOT include tying myself to any man so none of my relationships lasted longer two weeks. I have to admit though that my two best and longest lasting relationships (one currently still going strong) however have been with white men. They were more than happy to allow me my space while still making their interest in me known.

    I loved your grandmother’s advice I’ll have to remember that with my boyfriend.

    Here’s one for familial advice my mother told me long ago that I had to find “a nice quiet Southern boy” to settle down with to combat my wild big city Yankee nature and let me have my way since she swears my father spoiled me. Of course, the fact that my father’s side of the family are from the swamps of Cajun country in Louisana was an exception, because he moved up North when he was a kid so he was nothing more than a “city slicker” himself.

    My grandmother only ever told me to learn to cook because “no man wants a woman that can’t feed him.”

  25. Lovelybubbly permalink
    June 17, 2010 12:49 pm

    I have a lot more to share about how men from other countries view black women and its actually easier to be with an ethnic men I will be in touch.

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 17, 2010 3:03 pm

      Looking forward to hearing what you have to say!

  26. June 17, 2010 7:24 pm

    I’m so glad so many bw are posting about these relationships. I get so tired of hearing about the negativity although I know that it’s tough at times.

    Wonderful post

  27. Sharon permalink
    June 17, 2010 9:05 pm

    randomthoughtsfromcali :
    Mabel, I never knew that about Jamaican women. I wonder what cultural influences facilitated that kind of openness, very unlike AA women.

    Mabel Barbados here!

  28. Sharon permalink
    June 17, 2010 9:07 pm

    randomthoughtsfromcali :
    *Off to Google Keni Styles …;)*

    I can’t believe you googled it lol

  29. Sharon permalink
    June 17, 2010 9:15 pm

    I forgot to add the my husband is Irish and German.
    I do not have any problems with my inlaws..love them!
    And my family from Barbados and all over adore him 🙂

    It had been great for us.

  30. Sharon permalink
    June 17, 2010 9:16 pm

    Oops I made a typo the= that

  31. randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
    June 17, 2010 9:21 pm

    Sharon :

    randomthoughtsfromcali :
    *Off to Google Keni Styles …;)*

    I can’t believe you googled it lol

    It was for…er…research 🙂

  32. A.C. permalink
    June 17, 2010 9:27 pm

    Hello All. Here in Trinidad, inter-cultural relationships are the norm; the majority of times, it’s with black men and non black women. The thing is, one should be ready to accept certain norms of the other person’s culture. It’s like religious differences. How far are you willing to go to accept those differences?

    The thing is, if the couple shares certain values and once they agree on those values and they both want the same things, then culture-clashes won’t dominate the marriage. Issues can be sorted out once the couple BOTH know what they want to achieve in the marriage. Furthermore, when in the courting stages, it is, according to “Browncow”, VERY important to vet the man you are dating.

    Culture DOES influence a person’s mentality and way of thinking, therefore by careful vetting and extensive getting-to-know-the-person closeness, one can determine whether or not cultural differences are barriers, red-flags, mentalities, opinions or the individual. Also, according to “lifebehindthewall”, her partner’s culture attracted her. Therefore acclimatization into that culture was easy.

    I was in Tokyo for a year and a half, and I was unable to acclimitize/understand the Japanese culture. I went there to work and study, but I did not meet anyone. I wasn’t particularly overwhelmed by that culture, neither was I overly attracted to Japanese men…although there was this one guy who… anyway, I digress. I also met a couple Chinese guys who…. what was I saying?? Oh yes…attraction… a person is attracted who they are attracted to, culture included. If the person who attracts you comes from a cultural background that also attracts you, then voila! But,all in all, no matter who you are attracted to, Vet, investigate, get-to-know and experience!
    Take care!

  33. randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
    June 17, 2010 10:00 pm

    Good, practical advice, A.C. BTW, it sounds like you might want to dip your toe in the Asian pool a little bit, hmmmm?

  34. A.C. permalink
    June 18, 2010 6:43 pm

    Hey Random…

    Been there, done that… didn’t have a happy ending… oh well…I guess I’ll just have to take my own advice! 🙂 😉

  35. Zoopath permalink
    June 19, 2010 8:01 am

    Very long ethnic man dating story short:
    age 19 south asian guy, 3 years, parents broke us up
    24 Puerto Rican/Dominican guy, 1 year…such beautiful man (sigh) we weren’t
    compatible but his parents liked me
    25 Greek American guy, 6 months or so, I was getting the feeling that he
    would not be able to stand up to his mom who wanted his to marry Greek
    26 Lebanese/Cajun guy 6 months or so, his parent’s put the cabash on that
    27 Taiwanese american guy I met on eharmony, married a year later and we’ve
    been happily married for 3 years. Easily the easiest, no-drama relationship I’ve ever been in. His parents objected but he made it clear that their racial objections would not be effecting any change. The came to our wedding and we’re on good terms with them.
    Lessons I’ve learned from this experience:
    1. Try to ascertain if you’re dating a weak man. If he’s weak, no matter what you do you can’t amek yourself worthy of him fighting for. If he’s weak, walk away.
    2. Once you’re exclusive make sure the parent issue is addressed and that there aren’t any racist objections. He’s got time to waste but you do not.
    3. eHarmony is a good resource so serious, marriage minded men. I’ve been on Chemistry/Match, Shaadi and a few other sites I don’t remember. If you’re dating with purpose, eHarmony gives you the best prospects
    4. Try something new sometimes, allll of my serious boyfriends were either physicians/med students (I’m a physician) and I ended up marrying an air force officer (not in air force anymore). You know the definition of insanity 🙂

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 19, 2010 9:21 am

      Zoopath, that is some of the best advice I’ve heard. I hope the single women on here in similar situations are taking notes!

  36. Zoopath permalink
    June 19, 2010 8:06 am

    Re: Asian men and equipment. Yes they tend to run a bit smaller but you can easily find an Asian guy with decent-sized equipment. Doesn’t even take that much work to find out what the “situation” is.

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