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What’s wrong with having a preference, anyway?

June 10, 2010

Is it wrong to prefer one race (other than your own) over another?

Brenda met her first love when she was 12.  Butch was 13.  During those innocent first days, they teased and frolicked under the lazy Georgia sky, holding hands, long looks, smiles.  Butch’s father, wealthy man that he was, made light of it.  “I was part of a community who came to work on his large farm.  [The crush] was okay.  He thought it was cute.”  After the harvest,  years passed without them seeing one another, but they exchanged occasional phone conversations–nothing too heavy, just shooting the breeze.  But when they came of age–that time when one touch and a certain look can spark something that often can’t be stopped.  Passion grew from anticipation, the wait until they could see each other again, perhaps after they finished the day at their separate, segregated schools.  After all, it was the 1960’s.  Brenda, 16 at the time, was (is) black.  Butch, 17 then, was (is) white.  A scandalous mix, yet, they dared.   “It was the first time I ever felt love stirring in me.  When I looked into that boy’s greens eyes, I fell in love, and he loved me too.”

Butch’s father, once patronizing of their childhood crush, now demanded a stop to it.  Meeting, kissing, loving was forbidden, so they conspired to meet in secret with help from Oscar, a black farm worker who smuggled her onto the property.  “I still remember what I wore the fist time I was alone with him again.”  Green mini skirt with pretty white flowers, Roman-style sandals.

Making love for the first time remains a vivid memory, even after 46 years.  Following a few more secret meetings, she became pregnant. They plotted to run away together, somewhere…where?  There was no place to go.  Brenda’s  mother, so afraid of her daughter being harmed, arranged for her to quickly marry a black man, putting an end to Butch’s foolhardy scheme for escape.  The forced marriage, then, the miscarriage.  Three years later, the divorce.  But the timing would never come again for her and Butch.  So in the 1970’s, she’d marry again, to a blond-haired hippy who gave her the Scribner name.  Sadly that relationship would also end in divorce.

Brenda has never had a preference for any other race except Caucasian, even when it was hard, even when it didn’t work out, even when it could get her killed.  “I used to wonder why God would give me this preference, but I know in my heart it’s because he knew I could handle it–even in South Georgia in the 1960’s.”

For me, this touching story highlights that for some, dating outside their race isn’t a Plan B.  Yet, much of what we say and hear these days is “well, black men didn’t want me so I went with so and so.” I’m just wondering out loud–how many of us in interracial relationships are in it not because it was a second choice, but the only choice?

How many out there have only ever wanted one type of man of one type of race?  Is there something wrong with that?

43 Comments leave one →
  1. Sharon permalink
    June 10, 2010 6:33 am

    That is very sad what Brenda and Butch went through. As I was reading I hoped they were together again 😦

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with it unless you are running away from something or doing it for the wrong reason.
    For eg Why is it some people prefer spring mix and others iceberg?

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 10, 2010 7:09 am

      Brenda says she still talks to him on occasion and the love is still there. I was rooting for her and Butch too! But the main reason she shared her story with me was to highlight this truism: you love who you love. I sometimes think about those first days of dating IR, how nervous I sometimes was, and here Brenda was doing it way back in the day. She was so brave.

  2. Sharon permalink
    June 10, 2010 6:34 am

    I just saw your “friend me, yo” lol ha ha

  3. Browncow permalink
    June 10, 2010 6:41 am

    What a sad story. It’s really sad that Brenda was forced to marry someone that she was not only not attracted to, but just didn’t love, she lost her baby, and then went on to marry another guy that just didn’t work out. How do you know her preference was like that because Butch was her soul mate? I mean for real if you believe in that sort of thing. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with having a preference. I for one had a preference for non-black men since I first started noticing boys. I did however love African men as well. I think it was the American bm that I just wasn’t attracted to. It may have something to do with culture clash or something. I was raised in a middle class neighborhood by my AA mom and NA (Nigerian American) father so I didn’t get the “black” culture too much other than the food. I tried, believe me, it’s hard being the one who speaks with proper English and does well in school and naturally has an attraction to all types of guys. I just stopped fighting it in high school and decided to do my own thing.

    Oh yeah, and I prefer spring mix over iceberg lettuce because iceberg is nutritionally bankrupt and doesn’t taste as good. 🙂

  4. June 10, 2010 9:46 am

    I don’t. LOL.. And I get jumped on all the time for it. But, we are attracted to what we are attracted to.

  5. June 10, 2010 9:47 am

    or me preference is preference and you are attracted to what you are attracted to. Attraction is 60% physical. Now if you are only attracted to
    the things because of self-loathing or because u think is better than yes
    its a problem. for me it was never this. i have met jerks on both sides but since I was four my first crush was a white boy and that was BEFORE i knew
    what race was. However as I have gotten older I am more attracted to
    Europeans mostly Mediterraneans. But it is how they view and live life as
    well as their physical features.

  6. June 10, 2010 10:36 am

    Actually, yes, I do think that there is something wrong with that.

    I think a Black woman being *solely* attracted to White men and nothing else can often be a result of socialization and images in the media that portray white men as the “ultimate” and the greatest at all things. This is something that can occur on a subconscious level through the media and hierarchies in society.

    I think saying you’re only open to dating one one group of men, is judging them on the superficial and not really judging them based on substantial traits and I think thats foolish. I think we should be attracted to whomever we have chemistry with and have compatibility with and not limit ourselves based on the superficial. I certainly practice this, and it has allowed me to meet outstanding men of all backgrounds.

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 10, 2010 10:38 am

      Hey girl! Thanks for visiting and, as always, bringing a strong opinion.

      • June 10, 2010 11:55 am

        lol my pleasure, you have an outstanding blog here 🙂

        I’d also like to add that I think the story was compelling and I wish she would have ended up with the love of her life.

        I find intercultural relationships to be very interesting (provided that they came together based on love and not complexes) considering the cultural nuances you have to come to get familiar with. I think you have to have some strength of character to deal with the scrutiny that will come toward you as a result. I’ve known some wonderful inter-cultural relationships and I think its cute how there seems to be perpetual discovery for both parties.

        Anywhoo….keep up the good work!

    • honeylove permalink
      June 12, 2010 11:53 pm

      A black woman being attracted to only black men can also be the result of “socialization.” If the media were brainwashing black women into being interested in white men, it’s funny that so many black women in the U.S. are so closed off to the idea of interracial relationships that they’d rather have a few out-of-wedlock babies by a black man who would never marry them and isn’t gainfully employed or share a successful black man with several other black women (risking diseases) just to get a man with brown skin. It’s funny no one has a problem with any of that, yet gets all worked up by a black woman preferring a man of another color. Personally I see no more of an issue with preferring a man of a certain skin color, nose shape, whatever, than preferring someone of a certain hair color, eye color, height, build. It’s the person’s own business who they choose and why…I don’t feel anyone else has the right to judge. Attraction for most people starts with the physical and then becomes deeper once they get to know each other. That’s just the way it works. If it works differently for a few, who are they to say there way is better and everyone else is a fool?

  7. Stacy permalink
    June 10, 2010 10:48 am

    I am attracted to who makes me feel good. I’ve dated non-black men since my first year in college. I didnt look for it, it was something that happened very naturally.

  8. kaikou permalink
    June 10, 2010 11:21 am

    In my life I have been attracted to every kind of man. My honest preference is for white men, that’s who I am physically attracted to. That’s who I get excited for and passionate about. That being said, I can still spot a man of any color who is attractive, but doesn’t mean I want him.

    When I think about my ideal, my physical attraction certain things come up. Certain things only apply to certain races.

    Anyway, like what was said earlier there are other things that connect you to people. I am a visual person so physical traits play a big factor, but I would never limit myself.

  9. June 10, 2010 11:34 am

    Amen Stacy,

    I know what I am attracted to. However I have dated nothing BUT black men and just started dating out because of fear. I have enjoyed. ALthough I prefer mediterranean men I always say I will talk brown anyway I can get. I personally do not like American men of any culture and that is because of my experience, however this is my opinion and me? I am not that concerned about media images cuz I know them for what they are.. garbage..

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 10, 2010 3:40 pm

      “However I have dated nothing BUT black men and just started dating out because of fear”

      Tani, this statement is interesting to me. What is it that you fear?

      • June 10, 2010 3:56 pm

        Sorry sweetie. I was saying I preferred men from other races all my life but because of fear of the stares, the jeers I didn’t until more recently. like 10 years ago recently. I was engaged to a white guy when I was 21 but his grandparents disapproved. I didn’t date out again until I was 27. And I didn’t expect it. I personal prefer other cultures–meaning non-American. I find I get along better with people from certain cultures as well as the men. I understand them better. I am bit different from the status quo American. Long story. One day I will write about it.. LOL

  10. Sydney permalink
    June 10, 2010 11:41 am

    The blog had a similar post on this topic. Very interesting… Unfortunately, I could not find a lint to the post.

    Can We Talk? When Interracial Dating is not an Option- Toya
    I know yall are like, why did Toya put this old behind picture of Tom and Helen Willis up here? I had to. I just had to. Plus that Tom Willis dance blesses me every time.

    The plight of the single black woman has been the topic of so much discussion lately and frankly I know we are all a bit sick of it. At least I am. I don’t really want to read another article or hear another discussion panel about what is wrong with the single black woman as long as I am one (which is going to be from now on) so safe to say, I’m done with it all. However, there is something that I have been hearing a lot of lately that I want to discuss here on BGLU to get an idea of what some may perceive as being a logical option.

    If you have read this blog for any period of time, you know that Tia and I like all kinds of men. We aint never scared of some interracial lovin’. I will dare say that even amongst our friends, when they think of interracial dating, they think of us. That’s fine because we are all for it (Did you read that, Adrien Brody? I said ALL for it. Just sayin’.). We’re attracted to a variety of men and are pretty grateful that we were designed that way. With that being said, some are not.

    In a Vibe article that has made its way around the blogosphere, Regina King suggests that more black women should date outside their race. Here is an excerpt:

    Every single one of my girlfriends won’t date men that aren’t Black. I have maybe about five and these are people that I’m really considering my friends, not people that are associates or that you talk to or deal with at work. I have about five Black friends who date outside of their race. But all the other friends of mine, it’s either they vocally say that they won’t or every time an opportunity comes up for them to date outside of their race, there’s some excuse why it’s not going to work. They never really say it’s because he’s White, or because he’s Spanish or something like that. It’ll be more like, Well, you know he works at such and such, and our schedules don’t match.’ But we’ll know really what it is. It’s ’cause he’s White.

    My thing is this: is it fair to urge women to date white men if they aren’t attracted to them? Now this article didn’t make it clear as to whether her friends often talk about being attracted to white men but won’t date them. That may or may not be the case. My question is though, is it fair to suggest that women won’t get married otherwise if they don’t go outside that preference? For instance, I love all different kinds of music. There aren’t too many genres I don’t like at all. I love hip hop. However, the state of hip hop today is HORRIBLE! Thank God I don’t just listen to hip hop but what if it was the only music I truly enjoyed and connected with? Chances are I would be screwed because the good stuff nowadays is few and far between. You have to dig to find good hip hop nowadays because a lot of the good stuff isn’t being played mainstream. But I’m not going to switch to country music because what happens to be on the radio sucks. I wouldn’t be able to do it because it does nothing for me. But what if someone told me “Look, you have two options: Gucci Mane or Trace Adkins.”?

    *blank stare*

    Oh the horror.

    See what I mean? Some black women are just not attracted to white men or any other race besides black men. I know everyone went ham when John Mayer said that he hadn’t opened himself up to the idea of interracial dating but that’s not an uncommon thing. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard a black woman say, “I don’t really do white boys but Justin Timberlake could holler.” Could he if he wasn’t on 106 and Park and hung with Timbaland? Probably not. A white guy with “urban tendencies” (and I say that sarcastically) sometimes makes up the difference depending on who you ask.

    Bottom line: You like what you like. It’s ok to not be attracted to every race. I don’t think that is an awful thing or something that you can really help if we are all being honest. I’m not talking about thinking another race is inferior. I am simply talking about what someone finds attractive. If Matthew McConaughey tried to step to one of my black girl friends and she wasn’t having it because she doesn’t get down like that, I am not going to take her to get her eyesight checked. She just may not be down and that’s ok. I have black girlfriends that prefer white men. I have white girlfriends that prefer black men. I have all kinds of girlfriends that simply prefer men with a pulse and good credit. You can’t expect everyone to be open because there is some sort of crisis being perpetuated by the media

    I remember a childhood friend of mine telling me once that I was bound to marry a white man and that I always have been. I asked her why. She said “Come on, you will. If you want to get married you will.” That didn’t sit well with me for a few reasons. I don’t really want to believe that a black woman won’t get married if she won’t date outside of her race.

    So what do you all think? Is it fair to suggest to women to date outside of their race if that is not what they are attracted to? Sure, we’re down and maybe you are too but “what might be right for you, may not be right for some.”

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 10, 2010 3:39 pm

      Thanks for sharing this. Yep, Adrien Brody has that ugly-sexy thing happening. Yum. I like it. 🙂

      That said, I believe that all women, including black women, are entitled to have a preference for those within their own race. And if those black women want to hold out for their ideal black man, that’s great. But they better get ready to wait (and wait and wait).

  11. Kara permalink
    June 10, 2010 12:02 pm

    There is a problem because we shouldn’t be picking and choosing based on race in the first place. Should find love where ever it is at, not based on skin color. Are we all created equally? Would we like if the job we were looking for preferred White people, and only because they are white?

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 10, 2010 3:30 pm

      Kara, I appreciate your point. And in a perfect world, everyone realize their equality. In the workplace, of course, racial preferences are rightfully illegal. But in matters of love, the heart wants what it wants.

  12. lafemmenoir permalink
    June 10, 2010 2:30 pm

    Awesome, awesome blog & topics. Congrats on the hit count, too!

    Now on to business. LOL…

    Everyone has a preference when it comes to a possible mate. Everyone!!
    My preference is for guys who are tall, have large eyes and full lips.
    I have found that my preference isn’t just limited to one race of people.
    I am open to dating all races of men, but I will not settle for a guy who
    isn’t tall, has large eyes, and full lips. Full stop! It’s what I like, it turns me
    on, it’s what I crave. Shortsighted? maybe. Am I limiting myself? maybe. But I can’t help it. So when I hear someone say that they have a particular “like”,
    I don’t judge, because so do I, and I can appreciate where they are coming from.

    Recently, I heard a white guy say that he loved the contrast between his white skin and his lady’s brown skin, he found it arousing and interesting. I had no issue with that because I know that as people we tend to be attracted to that which is different from ourselves. It’s nature(natural). I do not believe that it is a fetish. My Ex-husband was black, so am I, and he had really dark skin, it was one of the things that initially attracted me to him; that and the fact that he had large eyes, full lips, and he was tall. 🙂 I was fascinated by the deep color of his skin, it was different from myself and my family.
    Unfortunately it didn’t work out because he suffered from a “God” complex. Once we were married he decided that he wanted a faithful servant/worshipper/sugar mama; not a wife.

    I have found that you only really learn about people when you are exposed to them
    through intimate contact. Intimate doesn’t mean sexual, just up close and personal;
    unguarded. I believe that non-blacks and blacks should intermarry, I think that we need to open up and take it down a notch, attitudewise, as a race. I am not saying that we should forget the historical aspect of white/non-white interactions, but we do need to stop leaning on it like a crutch or using it to justify our current biases, insecurities, and prejudices.

    OK, you say you only want to date a black man, fine, good for you for identifying what you “like”, but we shouldn’t get all preachy and judgemental on someone else for what they “like”. Even if that person appears to you to have fetishized their “like”, it’s their business, not ours. In this world, there are so many people who don’t have preferences or things/interests that they are passionate about/aroused by, so when I see that someone has something that arouses them, I say go for it, as long as you are not bringing someone physical harm. Do what interests you, even if you are met with opposition (family, friends, lookie-loos, racists, nosey-busy bodies, etc). Thus far, science has not advance to the point of where we can be resurrected from the dead, go back in time and make changes, or come back as a different person; so we need to make the best of this life, while we can. I say, “Live and let live, baby!”

    Finally.I have to say how disappointed I was to find out that they, Brenda & Butch, did not end up getting together. I was also saddened to see her mother intervened and forced her into an aranged marriage. I wonder if all of this negativity that they encountered is the reason why they have not gotten together today? You know, historical baggage. That would be a great question to ask Brenda, if you can. If or when you do speak to her again, please let her know how brave she was, from me. Thanks!

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 10, 2010 3:17 pm

      “I am not saying that we should forget the historical aspect of white/non-white interactions, but we do need to stop leaning on it like a crutch or using it to justify our current biases, insecurities, and prejudices.”

      This right here is key for BW to realize. All that crutch-leaning makes many BW feel like they need permission by the Black Community et al. in order to find happiness. I can’t remember where I heard it, but I think a poster mentioned that some black people thought BW who date interracially are being selfish, only caring about being in love and not uplifting the race or some such nonsense. The crutch is real…it’s in the church and runs in the family. In fact, next week I plan on discussing some of the roadblocks black churches put up to keep BW from expanding their dating pool. That should be a VERY interesting conversation.

      And lastly, I too am sad that Brenda and Butch never reconnected. But here’s to hoping that someday they still might.

  13. June 10, 2010 6:52 pm

    Here are my two comments from Facebook:

    Nope. I am a black woman with no romantic desires for black men. The problem comes when we express hate or bigotry. Heck I don’t even care that some men don’t prefer me. The absence of sexual desire doesn’t equal hate.


    I think that black women are most uncomfortable with the preference issue because many of us feel rejected. We have to understand that no one is obligated to desire us and we are not obligated to desire everyone. The sooner we get over our feelings of rejection, we will see that preferences aren’t always based on negativity. I personally believe …

  14. June 10, 2010 6:53 pm

    OOPs the last one was cut off:

    I think that black women are most uncomfortable with the preference issue because many of us feel rejected. We have to understand that no one is obligated to desire us and we are not obligated to desire everyone. The sooner we get over our feelings of rejection, we will see that preferences aren’t always based on negativity. I personally believe … See Morethat a good quality man can be found among ALL races. But when it comes to making my head turn or sexual attraction, its white and light skinned hispanic men.

  15. June 10, 2010 7:03 pm

    But regarding the story, I can’t imagine what it must have been like for bw who preferred white back in the 60’s. I’m sure it was extremely difficult internally.

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 10, 2010 10:27 pm

      It was. She told me the story through tears. My eyes even misted up a bit.

  16. nikki7 permalink
    June 10, 2010 7:40 pm

    My first crush was a cute little blonde, blue-eyed boy in kindergarten! I have preferred them ever since! LOL
    But that does not mean I don’t love,(dad, uncles, cousins, close friends) or drool over (umm…hello, Common, Boris Kodjoe, Idris Elba, yummy!) black men. But as far as sexual attraction, my preference is a tall, skinny, blonde, blue-eyed man. I have no self-hatred, issues, ect….It is just what I like.

    • June 10, 2010 7:42 pm

      Nikki are you me girl? Same here. However I will say that as I got older I do not prefer blondes because of the “beauty” standard unless of course they from Australia or Sweden or something exotic like that.. LOL. Common, Boris and Idris.. lawd have mercy.. shoot even Barack.

    • Becca permalink
      June 12, 2010 2:50 pm

      Wow, same here. I mean, I can vividly remember this crush. His name was Michael, he was blonde, had blue eyes and I just thought he was amazing. He was also 6 years older than me, which was kind of interesting, lol. I guess that first crush has left something of an imprint on my mind when it comes to me being attracted to someone. Even though I hate how blondes are kind of idolized in this society, I can’t deny that I’ll definitely notice an attractive blonde man before anyone else. That being said, I am also attracted to guys all across the spectrum. I’ve recently found myself being more and more attracted to Asian men.

      But yeah, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a preference. I mean, some men will say that they prefer their partner to be thin, fuller, have bigger lips, a certain hair color or eye color, and no one really bats an eye. All of these are physical traits, mind you. Therefore, I don’t see why a woman, especially a black woman, can’t say the same thing. I mean, seriously, the whole concept of “race” is based off of physical differences. And even ignoring the physical aspects of guys I’m typically attracted to, I’ve also found that I’d still be attracted to non-bm because I seem to have more in common with them than I do with bm.

      Sorry for getting a little long-winded, but this issue kind of bothers me. It’s as if people think there’s something fundamentally wrong with “preferring” someone outside of my race when the same people who are upset about it also have a set physical preference when it comes to looking for a partner.

    • beautifulbrown permalink
      June 14, 2010 9:24 pm

      i love blue and green eyes girl.. that pale skin makes me shiver..

  17. lafemmenoir permalink
    June 10, 2010 8:21 pm

    Kristelyn, I can’t wait to read your next blog post. I have some strong feelings about religion and the role it plays in so many decisions that people make, good or bad.

    • June 10, 2010 8:29 pm

      Lafemme.. do not get me started on that topic.. LOL

      • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
        June 10, 2010 10:28 pm

        Oh, it’s going to be in-ter-est-ing. Doing some research first because it might get hot in here!

  18. MadamCJCPA permalink
    June 11, 2010 8:21 am

    This is a very good post Chrisielyn and a question I have asked myself throughout the years (especially when having to deal with my mother’s side of the family).
    I was rejected by the black guys in high school for being “too opinionated” and I have always wondered if that is what severed my attraction to black men completely.
    I think back to my childhood, my friends from back then, the awkward moments with boys that I had crushes on, and realize that I was initially attracted to boys of other races with more frequency than black. The guys that rejected me in high school held no appeal in my eyes which is why I did not respond to their advances. This however led to my overall rejection/defection that had me blacklisted and unfortunatly labelled “OREO.”
    I think about it now and laugh because in the end I think they did me a favor.

  19. June 11, 2010 6:05 pm

    I thought about the origins of of my attraction to nonblack men It wasn’t until middle school that I developed serious attractions. Is it a coincidence that I was one of the few blacks in a school full of nonblacks. I wonder if there is a connection between that and my preference. It never left me.

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 11, 2010 7:13 pm

      I’m sure it’s not coincidence, LorMarie. People natural are attracted to individuals who are available and accessible to them.

  20. A.C. permalink
    June 11, 2010 6:23 pm

    Once upon a time, there was a little Caribbean girl who grew up surrounded by a cornucopia of races and mixed images on the media. Over time, she began to meet people globally through reading and penpalling. (Anyone ever had a penpal through IYS? I was one of those).

    Anyway… as her curiousity arose about the world around her, so did her curiousity about boys. Only, due to her family’s high divorce rates, she was told repeatedly that “Education comes first.” She noticed that the women in her family had a preference for “high brown” men. She was then indoctrinated to believe that ALL men are dangerous, ESPECIALLY black men. So she concentrated on education. But something happened… While in high school, her girlfriends were attracted to “Bobby Brown and New Edition”, while she was inexplicably attracted to Bono from U2 and Kip Winger from the band Winger. What was happening to her? Why did she find those men attractive? Why was she listening to that “devil music”? Just what the hell was wrong with her???

    Her friends called her “race betrayer” and her very religious friend, who already denounced her for being Catholic, told her that being with a man from the opposite race (or by extension, religion)would make her “unevenly yoked”. She was shocked! What should she do? She then went out with *Ivan (not real name). Of course Ivan was Anglican (Close enough to Catholic), from a good Black Family (sooo Huxtable… Dad a Lawyer, mum a Nurse), from a good historically prestigious school… seeming perfect, right? WRONG!!! She did not meet his mother’s standards, nor his friends. Poor her… should she then continue to chase after Black men? Or should she allow herself to admire how handsome Billy Zane was/ is? Perhaps she was falling under the family curse of liking light skinned men… Perhaps she was (drumroll) A RACE BETRAYER!

    Lesson learned: Preference is a PERSONAL CHOICE. I agree that in many cases it can be indoctrinated due to what society measures as beautiful and “correct”, but in the end, preference is a personal thing, whereby the person knows what he/she wants. Black women must learn to realize what they want. The Black community will continue to indoctrinate their girls into what they SHOULD want, but as an individual, the person should begin to realise what he/she wants as a person. Above all, what counts is not the race of the person, but what they can bring to the table. Will they be bringing love, honesty, respect and marriage? Or will they be just “wantin a fix”? There will always be situations that may or may not influence a person’s choices, such as society, friends, family, religion etc. But in the end, it’s up to the individual.

    Epilogue: After several rejections by her “own kind”, the little girl grew up learning to love herself and continue with her exploration of life; her personal odyssey of living life and exploring all that comes with it. She did not fall victim to the depression after constant rejections. She dated men of other races and had both good and bad experiences. She learned to Accept all of the good and bad while learning lessons that life has to offer and move on to more positive experiences. And as for her personal preference… well… let’s just say that she still thinks that young Robert Plant and young Mick Jagger were two of the sexiest mofus she had ever laid her eyes on…

    One more thing… On the eve of LOVING DAY, I hope that we truly appreciate how far Black Women have come, despite all of the negative issues surrounding them. In many instances in your (American) history, fantastic changes were made because of pioneering women, especially Black Women: Hattie McDaniel, Josephine Baker, Rosa Parks, Mildred Loving… Here in the Caribbean, the first black “Bond Girl” was not Gloria Hendry, but Jamaican Marguerite Gordon (She was known back then as Marguerite Le Wars. Dr. No, in Jamaica, Camera scene) and the first Black Ms. Universe was Trinidadian Janelle Penny Commissiong. We Black Women have ALOT to offer to EVERYONE. So to those of us, preference or no, HAPPY LOVING DAY. May you all experience the Love of God and the Love of a wonderful partner. Let the sad story as seen by Brenda and Butch demonstrate that in this 2010, we are strong and educated enough to realise that our preference leads us to wider and better CHOICES. Peace.

  21. randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
    June 11, 2010 7:22 pm

    A.C. I can totally relate to your experiences being rejected by our own and then being seen as a race betrayer when you find happiness in another race. Thanks for sharing your story.

    You are right about Loving Day. In this community, those individuals are a HUGE deal, and we should celebrate, reflect and be grateful that even with occasional flack we may receive, this couple paved the way for all of us to find happiness from whomever of whatever race.

  22. beautifulbrown permalink
    June 11, 2010 8:08 pm

    i dont believe that someone should only date a person based on their race, or class or all the other things, however i believe that a black woman can find can only find a non black man attractive not because of his race or skin colour but because thats simply whats she likes.. i mean if white women can only date a black man, then why cant a black women only date a non black man…??

    anyways sad story but reading this is taught me that if people back then can over come all the criticism, comments and racism from both sides then i can walk and hold my head my high.. there was this one guy who said something to piss me off and let me tell you this not every black man has a problem with black women dating outside their race.. i had a lecturer who gave me some advise and told me to not let those persons bother me as long as i know that my man loves me thats all that matters..

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 11, 2010 9:15 pm

      You know what, that’s exactly what Brenda said. She wanted everyone to know that if she could do it back then, we all can do it now.

  23. beautifulbrown permalink
    June 11, 2010 8:31 pm

    i don’t know whats its like to be rejected by my family based on the fact that my parents don give a rats butt who i bring home. as long as has the right qualities that a man must have. i grew up on backstreet-boys and nynsc. when i was younger i had a huge crush on Aaron carter. not that i never had crushes on my own race of men but white men has always been and hmmm hmmm factor as a matter a fact more than black men.. most of the guys i have had crushes on are white men.. and even if they were black, they had light skin or medium brown as dark skin men, men my skin complexion rarely approach me.. living in a predominantly black country (jamaica) i believe i am one of the select few of women who like white men as most black women only date a black man.. as for me i prefer what i prefer and thats a man white a pale hue a white man… i was never attracted to them because i thought they were superior to black men i mean at 11 years old how would that be going through my mind (when i was in my 1st ‘interracial relationship’)i can never seem to come to terms on why i prefer a white man and not a man of my own race, but wait a minute i am dating a man of my race……… the human race….

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 11, 2010 9:14 pm

      i mean at 11 years old how would that be going through my mind (when i was in my 1st ‘interracial relationship’

      Come on, details!

      • beautifulbrown permalink
        June 15, 2010 8:43 am

        we met at a bible camp and at the time he was dating another black girl, however the next year when i went back she wasnt there so i got him…lol!! and let me tell you all of this black women stereotypical views for why we date a white guy was far away from my mind.. and even though our relationship ended on sorry note i still had a love for white men… and cant stop!! i know i wasnt abnormal or crazy for at that age cause you are young and innocent.


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