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Single Black College Girls: Advice by IRR expert Linda Young, PhD

June 8, 2010

I just love it when I  interview someone and hit pay dirt.  Writers, you know the feeling–your source’s answers are all on point, succinct and informative, and sharing their wisdom makes you look really smart.

That’s what my interview with Dr. Young (who so happens to be a black woman married to someone white) was like.  As I continue to gather nuggets of knowledge for the chapter about managing scrutiny from outsiders while in an interracial or intercultural relationship, the good doctor and I got off on a bit of a tangent, but the information was so valuable to young girls that I just had to share.

In her book, The Sojourner’s Passport, Khadija admonishes African-American girls attending predominately white colleges to stop fighting over, bending over, and rolling over to get a date with the 12 black guys on campus.  That’s ugly stuff.

Yet, many college girls remain hesitant to date interracially or interculturally, so they jump through hoops lit with gasoline, juggle, spin plates on their heads while wearing sexy lingerie and accept 2AM booty calls.  Or still there are others, who will sit in the dorms with the other black girls and watch Snapped marathons on Oxygen all night long while polishing each other’s toenails.

They whine that the black boys don’t want them (because surprise! they have no problem dating Becky, Su Lin, Rocio and Shenita), and contend that nobody of any other hue or culture wants them either.  Really?  Dr. Young advices these ladies to do some serious self-examination. This is advice that should be shoved down the throat of I mean, communicated to  every black college girl you know, so pass it on!

Audio: Dr. Young Interview_blog

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. Browncow permalink
    June 9, 2010 7:26 am

    This is interesting because I used to see the same behaviors in the BW I went to school with. They either had a boyfriend outside of school or they were fighting over the few BM on campus. I just wasn’t in that number and fortunately I didn’t want to for male attention. I noticed that once the guys knew that I was open to IR dating/relationships, they came running and I didn’t have to worry about not having a boyfriend. I went on my share of dates and found what I liked and didn’t like and realized that I wanted a man who had qualities like my own father. I believe that if more young BW dated in college and cast a wide net to include men from all groups, they would really find out what makes a quality mate and the sitting in the dorm lamenting the lack of eligible men wouldn’t be happening. Unfortunately, most BW have been told all their life that nobody else will want them unless it’s for sex even though the BM in their environment are the ones using them for sex. It’s like they’re blind to the reality of what is going on so they are very cautious and closed to men from other groups. It shows too in your body language and facial expressions. This is a sad situation that I hope is changing.

    • Nico permalink
      June 9, 2010 12:13 pm

      i attended a PWI and I dated a number of different men (black and white, plus one Latino) and yes, it is true that when you cast your net a bit wider you will have more men open to you. However, I found that the vast majority of the “other” men were just in it for the sex … they wanted to use me as a science experiment. PERIOD. Dating inter-racially isn’t as easy and cut and dry for black women as it’s advocates would like to believe.

      • Nico permalink
        June 9, 2010 12:14 pm

        I did have fun though! lol. Miss those days 😦

      • Browncow permalink
        June 9, 2010 1:56 pm

        Well I would say that a lot of young men are only in it for sex. It’s up to us as women to discern what their true intentions are. Crap can come in any color and I’ve dealt with my own share of crap, but that’s the point of dating. Finding out what types of guys are for you. So yeah, I hear you on the other men, but that just wasn’t my experience. Most of the other guys I was going for or went for me really simply wanted to spend time with me and yes, getting a little physical was part of that. However it was up to me whether or not to take it to that next level which I very rarely did and ended up only being “with” 3 guys before getting married one of whom was a man I was engaged to, a long time friend, and a long time boyfriend (first boyfriend to be exact). To put it simply a man will only get away with what you let them. If they’re only in it for sex, then you need to shut down their program real quick and move on to a man who wants to get to know you and not your body. For example, when I started dating my husband, I told him point blank that we would not be having sex. He told me that I was well worth it and that he could wait as long as I could. Well we went on to wait until we got married (yeah, I know it’s rare, but it was very sweet none the less) and it was wonderful that we did. We learned so much about each other as people and kindred spirits that when we came together physically it was after we had made our life long commitment to each other and it was beautiful. I’m not saying don’t have sex at all, I’m just saying put it on the back burner for as long as you can because I had to take a number of cold showers before getting married.

        I think dating IR also depends on the area in which you live. I live in the DC metro area so it was easy to meet a diverse group of men and have men approach me because I was friendly and gave the right signals. The thing is that some ladies have it easy and others may not. It may have something to do with attitude as well. In my experience, when you go into something feeling defeated, the universe does not want to disappoint so you have the exact experience that you are saying you don’t want. It’s like Evia always says, “VET VET and VET some MORE”. IR dating advocates aren’t saying that anything non-black is good and ALL black men are bad. They’re just saying that to widen your dating and mating pool to all eligible men of QUALITY within the global village and leave the crap alone.

  2. randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
    June 9, 2010 8:40 am

    Browncow, I just love your posts. Here’s to hoping that things will change. When I was in college, the BWE movement was totally unknown to me. Blogs didn’t exist. The information is coming out and hopefully, these girls will be part of the change.

  3. Hodan permalink
    June 9, 2010 10:07 am

    This is a great article, I know from experience the numbers of dates I declined from amazing guys who were not black back @ uni. It wasn’t so much the issue of color since I really don’t care about something none of us had a choice over, rather I had no intention of having any serious relationship and my religious practice discourages due to sexual temptation. However, now I realize I should have dated just for the fun of it and to also learn what I wanted from a man when it comes to long term prospective.

    I think like Browncow said, its all about the energy you send out to the universe and your body language will speak louder than anything coming out of your mouth. More woman of color need to realize growing up and living in a culture where they are the minority means widening their pool of eligible men, to get the kind of a life partner they should be with.

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 9, 2010 10:14 am

      Well, said Hodan!

  4. June 9, 2010 10:20 am

    God, college was so much fun. Black college girls need this info to position themselves early to be around quality guys. I had fun AND I dated, and boy, did I party. I also had two majors a minor and a part-time job, and I did fine academically once I figured out how to balance. I can’t believe I finished 6 years ago. Where did the time go? Girls, have all the fun you want in college, but do NOT get pregnant, whatever you do. Don’t get too drunk to take care of yourself when you’re out. Don’t get sloppy, wherever your tolerance is, and make friends who will look out for you. Go to class and remember why you are there; get your degree and make contacts that will be use you after graduation, including dating all sorts of guys. I saw way too many black girls do the ‘relaxers and a black movie’ thing in college. It tended to be the reserved girls and the urban girls who felt uncomfortable in our rural campus area. Meanwhile, most other girls were mixing it up!

    Right off the bat, talk to all sorts of folks at orientation, and the first few weeks. Attend ‘black’ events if they are fun, but not only them. Don’t spend all your time at the black student union or at the NAACP meeting making copies. Being a diehard sista soldier does not tend to confer much respect, status or dates for black women. I wore a twa and took Af-Am Studies and I also dated a cute blonde guy and other and this was in CT. Some dumb people of different colors said dumb stuff, but those people weren’t trying to date me anyway so… who cares? Ignore the ‘keepers of blackness’ and anyone else who tries to keep you in a box.

    Too many working class black women (and others but this is where I saw it the most) go to campus and only socialize with other urban kids from similar backgrounds. Graduation comes and they still have no contacts besides the ones in their neighborhood. Make friends of all races. Get to know their parents. If someone wants you to visit their ski house over break, go! Study abroad. I kick myself that I didn’t, but I did have a random roommate senior year, an exchange student from France, and now I have a couch to crash on outside Paris. I am not saying use people, but make connections.

  5. June 9, 2010 11:28 am

    Having a white boyfriend, I can honestly say this isn’t true (regarding the mentality that no one loves black women). If anything, I find that white men actually are VERY open to dating black women but they’re hesitant to voice it due to societal pressures.

    Fuck all that.

    I’m a college student, and I know exactly what you mean by black women jumping through hoops to hook up with the few black men on the campus, even if it means compromising themselves and having to settle for being a jump off. Meanwhile these black dudes are boo-lovin’ Becky, Xui Mei, Juanita, and Olga.

    There’s no reason these women should be afraid to holla at Jonathan, Ethan, ALEJANDROOOOO (Gaga alert), Suki, and Alexei. I’m just saying that if you’re in a buffet, you don’t limit yourself to just one particular part of the food line. It’s all you can eat. And if more black women embraced this mentality they’d realize there doesn’t HAVE to be a relationship famine, as the media is purporting.

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 9, 2010 12:22 pm

      Preach it! I love hearing from college students who can chime in on this.

  6. Leah permalink
    June 11, 2010 2:09 pm

    Aisha, I like your style!

  7. June 12, 2010 12:06 pm

    I love your posts, and your humor is so fun and refreshing!

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 12, 2010 12:19 pm

      Thanks Kay. I am a strong believer that humor sometimes helps people to be open to serious issues without feeling threatened or preached to.

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