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What’s Got White Women Running Scared?

June 3, 2010

Well, my friends out there in Rainbow Land, loving all over your red-or-yellow-black-or-white significant other, take a breath from the French kissing, brush your teeth, and then come back and read relationship expert and guest blogger, Deborrah Cooper’s take on who white women feel most threatened by whilst engaging in a romantic relationship with a black man.  Oh…and did you get that latest Pew Research Data?  Meh… let’s save that for another post.

Now, without futher ado, Deborrah, take it away!

White Chick’s Biggest Fear About Black Women

As the owner and operator of one of the oldest Black-owned websites on the Internet, I’ve spent the past 20 years of my life discussing romantic and interpersonal relationships with people all over the world. Since my site focuses primarily on Black men and women and those who love and marry them, a lot of my research on relationships has covered interracial pairings.

Frequently discussed are the feelings that Black women have about Black men that date and marry outside the race. We also hear frequently from Black men how and why they may have chosen a woman of some other ethnicity as a partner instead of a Black woman.

One aspect of interracial relationships rarely covered though is why a White a woman would choose to be with a Black man vs. a White one, and how she feels about Black women.

Research into this subject in the early 2000s provided me with surprising insight into the minds of almost 100 Bay Area White females in intimate relationships with Black men. I asked each of them ten questions (with additional questions that delved deeper into intriguing statements an interviewee may have made).

One of the interview questions asked each of the White females was: “what is your biggest fear about this relationship?” Every single one of them responded with the same answer… her biggest fear was that her man would leave her for a Black woman.

Not another White woman, not an Asian woman, not a Latina woman… a Black woman.

The deep-seated fear of the Black woman expressed by White females in interracial relationships was quite telling. Even though she has her Black man’s attention and commitment, most White women remain in awe of the Black woman’s beauty, wit, creativity, sultry sexiness, smashing curvaceous build, dark hued silky skin, and multi-layered attractiveness to men around the globe.

Insecure about her man’s loyalty and reason for choosing her, and intimidated by the Black woman’s easy way of being with the Black man, the White female worries that “once you go Black you never go back!” may apply to Black men as well as White ones.

A Black man involved in an interracial relationship may feel that his White woman is a step up from a Black female. To justify their choice, such men may express the belief that Black women are less feminine, less beautiful, and less submissive therefore less man-centered and less suitable for “wifeing up” than a White female. Yet, the

females’ fear of losing in a competition to this very same woman indicates she believes the exact opposite.

For generations White females were held up as the standard of womanhood and beauty. However those times are changing. Rounded butts, fuller thighs, brown skin and full lips are in baby! The tide is turning in favor of educated, accomplished, sophisticated and sexy Black women becoming the cream of the crop.

As our nation matures, and the sad history of slavery is put further behind us, the numbers of interracial unions between Black women and White men grows accordingly. Every year an increasing number of White males respond to the confident beauty of the Black woman. More White males are courageously eradicating the boundaries of a segregated society and allowing themselves the freedom to approach a Black woman and to express an interest in her as a long-term romantic partner.

Brown sugar is always sweeter and more flavorful than White.

About the author:

Advice columnist Deborrah Cooper (writing under the pen name “Ms. HeartBeat”) shares wickedly funny insight into controversial issues such as “friends with benefits” and “booty call” relationships, interracial romance, dating as a single parent, and more!She is also the author of the modern dating guide: “Sucka Free Love: How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfuntional & The Deranged!” Definitely not for the faint of heart, Sucka Free Love! provides Ms. HeartBeat’s straight to the point analysis of common (and sometimes just plain strange) relationship dilemmas. Inside the covers of this book are strategies both males and females can utilize to improve their chances of making a solid connection with the right person.

websites:,, San Francisco Dating Advice columnist on too. is show URL

15 Comments leave one →
  1. June 4, 2010 6:34 am

    Using the language of feminine fashion, you are saying that “Black is the new black.”

    But seriously, I can understand where WW are coming from, because:

    1. I appreciate BW’s beauty, otherwise why would I be on this website. But also,

    2. I experience the insecurity of competing for BW’s attention with BM.

    Any person romantically attracted to another race is logically going to be able to appreciate the attractiveness of both genders. I find BW attractive, and thus find BM to be impressive, so it’s a little hard not to worry about being out-classed as a mate. It’s not hard for me to see how a WW who is attracted to BM will, due to her tastes, be impressed by BW and worry about being out-classed.

    This kind of insecurity is probably true of just about everyone in any kind of IR relationship.

    WM are also burdened with the idea that many BW feel pushed, rather than pulled, into IR relationships.

    And WW have to deal with the knowledge that their mate’s preference for WW over BW probably is rooted in dysfunction, and he might grow out of it.

    I think though that the unease many WM might feel dissipates once the relationship becomes committed.

    Apparently, not so for WW.

    Wishing you all progress,

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 4, 2010 8:10 am

      “WM are also burdened with the idea that many BW feel pushed, rather than pulled, into IR relationships.”

      This is true, and needs to change. Like another poster said, dating interracially should not be Plan B, so when a brother shows a modicum of interest, the nice good-for-the-moment white guy gets dumped.

  2. Patricia Kayden permalink
    June 4, 2010 8:38 am

    I’m not sure if their fear is rational. If a BM wanted to be with a BW, he would have more than enough opportunity to do so. There are hordes of “lonely” BW who would love to be with a BM.

    The BM men I know who date WW wouldn’t spit in a BW’s direction. So, I would say to those WW, stop worrying about something that is really not a problem.

  3. June 4, 2010 11:02 am

    WOW! I’m a bit taken aback by this revelation. Interesting indeed.

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 4, 2010 11:09 am

      Yes, Zabeth, that was interesting, but upon further contemplation, it makes total sense.

  4. June 4, 2010 12:58 pm

    I don’t quite get articles like this. The tone screams “insecurity” even though it purports to do the opposite.

    If a white woman’s blog said: “White sugar is always sweeter and more flavourful than black” – that would cause an immense uproar. So why is it ok for us to say things like that?

    Sure, people are waking up and learning to appreciate us more, but why reduce it to a “we’re better than they” type of thing? Why can’t it just be taken as evidence that white is not the ONLY beautiful, and all eyes are beginning to open to our beauty? As she correctly noted:

    “More White males are courageously eradicating the boundaries of a segregated society and allowing themselves the freedom to approach a Black woman and to express an interest in her as a long-term romantic partner.”

    That’s where it should have ended. Unfortunately, this article simply falls prey to the assumptions it seeks to counter.

    • June 5, 2010 5:26 pm

      You need to ask the women that made the statement that question CJ, not me. You make it seem like I made this all up. lol! I am quoting White women that were interviewed and sharing what they had to say. You may not like what they said or even understand it, but that isn’t my problem.

  5. Ali permalink
    June 5, 2010 9:34 am

    Hey CJ –

    Couldn’t agree with this more. Even though this post was illuminating, and makes sense – I think maybe it could have been phrased a little more gently.

    We have to be careful that we don’t do to others what we don’t want done to us. I have no problem with white, asian, hispanic, arab, etc. women. Life is too short, and I think it’s important to see people as individuals – the same as I want them to see me. Also, if you go outside the race, chances are your mother or sister in law will be one of these women, at the very least. So it’s best we all start working to get along from the get go.

    Again, I’m not saying this was a bad post at all, I just think it could have been phrased a little differently. “Brown sugar is more flavorful than white?” Seriously? That sounds awful, and it’s really not true. It just depends on your taste buds!

  6. Leela permalink
    June 5, 2010 10:42 am

    I didn’t like this article though.
    Something about it just seemed….off.
    Maybe as Ali said, it was just the wording. I can appreciate the sentiment and everything, but I think it came off as obnoxious and elitist.

  7. June 5, 2010 10:45 am

    Exactly Ali! Just like white sugar was never more flavourful than black, and finally other races are beginning to see that. Who would be proud of the fact that a man of another race finds you attractive simply because he doesn’t like his race as much? I’d rather that the person likes me for the super qualities I have, and can appreciate those things without being hindered by my skin colour. A terrible partner/ spouse comes in any shade.

  8. June 5, 2010 5:29 pm

    You ladies are all caught up in the wording of the reality. I can’t help you with that. Everything you read is not going to be toned down to meet with your expectations or sensibilities, especially a controversial subject like Black Women with White Men in interracial relationships! It’s never going to be “nicely worded” nor is the stance I have about Black women being fantastically beautiful and exceptionally wonderful going to appeal to everyone. Some women are just insecure and don’t want to see themselves that way, and others are insecure haters.

    Anyone that knows how I write KNOWS that I don’t hold punches, am not caught up in being “nice” at all, and always say exactly what I think without caring who doesn’t like it. Welcome to my world.

  9. Jade permalink
    June 6, 2010 11:46 am

    You don’t need to self-aggrandize your qualities to make you feel better about yourself. I fell this blog is weird sometimes. It’s one thing to be in an IR, but sometimes it seems a little bit obsessive and over-analyzed.

  10. boomer babe permalink
    June 6, 2010 5:26 pm

    I think black women WOULD be a nice choice for white men because many of them are being dumped for strange reasons–some, not all, white women are used to being the princess while black women are used to being the mule, especially if shes dark; but thats changing. I think black womens greatest enemy is themselves today we need to join clubs, go horseback riding (that would be attractive as heck because hollywood NEVER EVER showed us on a horse. It seemed like everyone but a black woman could ride

    • randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
      June 6, 2010 5:30 pm

      And don’t forget play tennis, golf…etc. I’m all for that–except for the horses–they’re beautiful creatures, but they scare the hell out of me. (Christopher Reeves flashbacks…)


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