Skip to content

Question of the Week: “Why Won’t That Guy Staring at Me Just Ask Me Out Already?!”

July 1, 2010

Got a question too? Send me a message on Facebook!

The question is one I’ve often wondered about myself.  But since I’m no fancy schmancy dating expert or anything, I brought in (the now very famous) Deborrah Cooper to tackle it:

I have liked a guy for a long time now..over a year to be exact. I noticed that he was staring at me one day.   At first I was afraid to approach and assumed that he would eventually do it. So,week after week, I would go to his place of work at my school(which is accessible to all the college students) and wait for him to say something…never happened. So,after a number of months and a whole lot of guts and courage,  I went up and talked to him.  He was visibly nervous. I made a joke and he laughed(quite loudly-but it made my heart melt,lol) Then on occasion I would say “hi”,but he would never initiate it…ever. He would just stare and stare ,but never say anything,even when I came close he seemed to move away or not want to answer any of my questions…but sure enough when I turned around to look back, he would stare and not let go of the stare. So,here I am puzzled and annoyed.  What should I do?

Okay, Deborrah, be gentle!  She’s a college girl!

Short of this guy being in the Witness Protection program and afraid to be found out, a felon on the run using an assumed identity, or a spy, there is a simple explanation for this guy’s behavior.

Men are really not complicated creatures at all.  When they really want something, they go after it with everything they have.  A man that isn’t sure he wants something won’t move on it until he is.  A man that is only mildly interested in something won’t pay much attention long-term, though he may show intermittetent or brief interest in it. And a man that isn’t interested at all will just look to check the thing out, but he won’t say or do anything to acquire that item.

Sadly, these are the types of situations where women set themselves up to be used.  Women will decide they like/love a man that doesn’t really like/love them back.  She has sex, then when it becomes apparent that the high level of interest she seeks isn’t there, she feels shortchanged and manipulated.

What she hasn’t realized yet is this guy isn’t that interested in her. He may look at her because she is pretty and men (visual creatures that they are), love to look at pretty things.  He may look at her because he likes her ass.  He may look at her becasue she reminds him of someone else. There are many reasons a man will stare at a woman! But one thing she can bet on is if an entire year has gone by, and even with her friendliness and encouragement he barely speaks, I would venture to say that his interest in her is mild at best and that she should like someone else instead.

Get more of Deborrah’s sage advice on her site, Surviving Dating. And some of you ladies really, really need to check our her book, Sucka Free Love!

41 Comments leave one →
  1. Lever permalink
    July 1, 2010 5:58 am

    This is pithy brilliance. God KNOWS, I wish I’d known this so very many years ago. I still wonder why so many men stare but say NOTHING these days when they encounter me in, e.g., stores. It frustrates the HECK out of me, because I’m old enough to recall when men SAID something to a woman! Maybe with age I’ve gone from “compelling” to “scenery?” :o)

  2. July 1, 2010 6:35 am

    This post is ON POINT. It seems to ALWAYS happen like that for a friend of mine whom I went to college with and she just would be driven crazy with it, and I tried to tell her either approach and see if he’s just shy (approach like chit chat a bit, not necessarily ask on a date because he needs to man up and do that) or leave it alone. The two times that stand out to me that it happened were like this:

    In college there was this gorgeous 6’2 buff shaved head bright blue eyed guy at the gym whom she was infatuated with and so she looked him up on myspace (lol, it was hot back then!) and fell even MORE in love because his profile talked about how he helped out these sick cancer kids, volunteered to coach football with little ones, had a love for dogs (she’s an animal freak, she likes them more than people so that was a huge plus haha) and just seemed like her match made in heaven. So every time they were at the gym they’d pretty much stare each other down. This went on for about our whole junior year and I’m like look, either go chat with him, send him a myspace note, deliver a note by messenger pigeon or SOMETHING but please stop talking about this dude that nothing is happening with FOR A YEAR. So she sends a myspace note and low n behold, he didn’t reply. Still would stare but no reply. Who knows why really, but if the end result isn’t you as his new boo, does it matter?

    Fast forward 3 years and practically the same thing happened again. There was a dude she wanted at the gym (Lol, apparently she needs to NOT try and find love at the gym!) who was a personal trainer. They’d stare and stare and eventually she hired him as her trainer because she was losing weight anyway. They’d chat and flirt and exchange texts, yada yada. But when it came time to actually DO anything he wouldn’t make any plans/moves/nothing. She’s sighing and wanting and waiting and I’m like MOVE ON! Jeez, don’t you want someone who WANTS you like blantantly? Who asks you out and wants to take you on dates and stuff? God, stop messing with these ifsy-andsy dudes! Finally she asked him what was up and he gave her some spill about suddenly being really religious and only wanting to date if he wants to marry the girl or SOMETHING like that….mmkay, couldn’t have said this before? I had to ASK? What, you biding your time? F**K YOU DUDE.

    so yeah, even if it didn’t happen with me like that, I’ve seen how this is PERTINENT advice. Just leave em alone, them eye-molesting you isn’t a sign of true love to be. They just want to look

  3. July 1, 2010 6:35 am

    This post is ON POINT. It seems to ALWAYS happen like that for a friend of mine whom I went to college with and she just would be driven crazy with it, and I tried to tell her either approach and see if he’s just shy (approach like chit chat a bit, not necessarily ask on a date because he needs to man up and do that) or leave it alone. The two times that stand out to me that it happened were like this:

    In college there was this gorgeous 6’2 buff shaved head bright blue eyed guy at the gym whom she was infatuated with and so she looked him up on myspace (lol, it was hot back then!) and fell even MORE in love because his profile talked about how he helped out these sick cancer kids, volunteered to coach football with little ones, had a love for dogs (she’s an animal freak, she likes them more than people so that was a huge plus haha) and just seemed like her match made in heaven. So every time they were at the gym they’d pretty much stare each other down. This went on for about our whole junior year and I’m like look, either go chat with him, send him a myspace note, deliver a note by messenger pigeon or SOMETHING but please stop talking about this dude that nothing is happening with FOR A YEAR. So she sends a myspace note and low n behold, he didn’t reply. Still would stare but no reply. Who knows why really, but if the end result isn’t you as his new boo, does it matter?

    Fast forward 3 years and practically the same thing happened again. There was a dude she wanted at the gym (Lol, apparently she needs to NOT try and find love at the gym!) who was a personal trainer. They’d stare and stare and eventually she hired him as her trainer because she was losing weight anyway. They’d chat and flirt and exchange texts, yada yada. But when it came time to actually DO anything he wouldn’t make any plans/moves/nothing. She’s sighing and wanting and waiting and I’m like MOVE ON! Jeez, don’t you want someone who WANTS you like blantantly? Who asks you out and wants to take you on dates and stuff? God, stop messing with these ifsy-andsy dudes! Finally she asked him what was up and he gave her some spill about suddenly being really religious and only wanting to date if he wants to marry the girl or SOMETHING like that….mmkay, couldn’t have said this before? I had to ASK? What, you biding your time? F**K YOU DUDE.

    so yeah, even if it didn’t happen with me like that, I’ve seen how this is PERTINENT advice. Just leave em alone, them eye-molesting you isn’t a sign of true love to be. They just want to look

  4. kaikou permalink
    July 1, 2010 7:00 am

    I am excited about this post! I am the Queen of the stare and non approach. It happens so frequently that I am fairly uncomfortable/self-conscience in public which is unheard of because I never ever have cared what others think. But when you get stared at this much you start asking yourself: Do I look weird? Is there something wrong with my clothes? etc.

    I learned I should take it with a grain of salt. Have my green light on though!

    Thx!

    • Janice Rhoshalle permalink
      July 1, 2010 9:37 am

      Maybe they are just staring at how powerfully beautiful you are and are too afraid to approach. You don’t be bothered with someone who can’t accept your radiance…so don’t worry about it. I’m sure it’s their loss. Not yours.

  5. Niki permalink
    July 1, 2010 7:21 am

    I am ashamed to say it took me a LONG LONG time to finally get the fact that any man that truly wants you will “put in the work” to be with you and that no matter how wonderful and fabulous you are, if he’s not into you like that, it won’t make him stay. Even the nicest people can use you if you make yourself available to be used often enough. Learning when to cut your losses and move on is a valuable skill!

    • Janice Rhoshalle permalink
      July 1, 2010 9:38 am

      Never too late to learn a valuable lesson.

  6. BlkQueenBee permalink
    July 1, 2010 7:31 am

    Just had a younger friend of mine ask me about something similar, as she went out with this guy a couple of times on dates, and then she asked him on the third date if he wanted to come in for a nightcap, and he said he was tired and had a big day the next day, and some other time.

    Then she asked me if I thought he was interested in her, because she is really interested in him.

    I said, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Everyone knows that asking a guy into your apartment “for a nightcap” is code for, at the very least, playing tag on the couch, and best-case, it’s getting laid. I don’t care if he’s giving a speech at the U.N. the next day or meeting with the President in the morning, if he’s interested in you, he’s going to take you up on that offer.

    I told her he wasn’t too interested in her, that she was obviously just a pleasant way to pass the time, as far as he was concerned. She got mad at me, of course, for saying it.

    • sharon permalink
      July 1, 2010 3:12 pm

      Either he was being a gentleman or really isn’t that interested.

  7. Elaine permalink
    July 1, 2010 8:14 am

    I agree with the advice given. Anybody (men or women) would stare somebody down if they find them visually appealing. That doesn’t mean they really want to be with you.

    While I do belief in what some consider “feminist” ideas, I really think it is best for the men to approach women. There could be many reasons, in addition to him finding the woman attractive, why he was just staring and not approaching: 1) he could have a girlfriend 2) he could be super shy and don’t know how communicate well with other people 3) If he’s another race, he could be apprehensive about IRR dating and etc. In any event, none of these qualities are what I find in BF/FH material anyway, so it’s just best to leave that dude alone. I don’t like generalities, but I do believe if a man wants to be with you, he would go after what he wants.

  8. Hodan permalink
    July 1, 2010 8:16 am

    lol, this is similar to an advice I got from my grandmother, aunt and mom since I was about freaking 13 yrs old. If a guy wants something or someone, he’ll move anything and push anyone to get it. In other words, don’t be easy and play yourself down for a man who is not so keen towards you. Its hard to accept these little home truth because in a society that teaches us, including the ladies to go after and work for everything in your life, few people know the boundaries anymore. I keep telling some of my very successful smart girlfriends do NOT treat men the same way you would treat your job or schooling. You can be as aggressive as you want getting a promotion, internship or scholarships, but your personal life needs more finessing and gentle persuasion.

    If we all thought the the men who keep staring @ us wanted to date us, then we’ll have one hell of a track record.

  9. Elaine permalink
    July 1, 2010 8:53 am

    I would add too that women do not understand the power we wield by sitting back letting them approach us. In this position, we are “The Deciders” as George W would say. We can say yay or nay to (or whether to continue or not with) the dude. When we approach the dude, it puts you in the position of possible rejection or being treated like a doormat. How many women do this and they get their hearts stumped on and/or siting by the phone waiting for his phone call, debating on what they should do to “get his love”. As my sister would say, “Not the kid!”. I rather let the men make their moves and contact me. If they don’t, then I rule them out and keep it moving.

  10. Janice Rhoshalle permalink
    July 1, 2010 9:21 am

    Sounds like we’ve got some wonderfully enlightened ladies in the house! But let us not be fooled into thinking we are “the deciders.” Men still decide if they want to step to a woman, and when they’re going to do it and how. If anything, we are “the acceptors” of their decision and only then do we decide to say yes or no. But I do agree with Elaine in that it’s important for men to make their move…and if they don’t, then ladies, go on about your fabulous selves. There’s plenty more where he came from.

    • Elaine permalink
      July 1, 2010 10:11 am

      I’m sorry, you are right. I meant to say, we are the deciders **after** they approach us, not the deciders in the sense we get our pick of the litter (i.e. approaching).

  11. Neecy permalink
    July 1, 2010 9:27 am

    @ Deb Cooper’s repsonse. So point on! If a man is interested he will go after you. Point blank, period. I also had to learn this as well b/c often times i do get stared down by some guys but IMO if they don’t make a move, it means nothing but a stare at best. I moreso learned this as i get older. When I was younger I couldn’t figure it out.

    @ Elaine
    I SOOOOOOO agree with you on the whole approaching a man thing. i just have NEVER been able to get into that. Even in online dating I would not message a guy first. i know that may sound crazy but… i know this is the new age where women are proudly telling other women to go up and approach a guy if you feel he is being apprehensive or unsure about how you feel about him or vice versa. Naaaah. Call me old school/old fashion – i don’t ever think women should just approach men they are romantically interested in. Yeah it may work out sometimes but overall i just don’t believe in it. like you said it sets the woman up for too much when its just easier to make the man do the work in that area.

    It was an older White Jewish lady that really opened my eyes to this some years ago. I was dealing with the same thing this young lady in the post was dealing with (except i never intitate contact with a guy first). She flat out told me “if a man wnats you he will come and get you”. i think that solidified everything for me in one sentence. And from that point on, there was no more confusion as to the stares I would often get without any approach from the guys.

    • Janice Rhoshalle permalink
      July 1, 2010 10:16 am

      Neecy…I feel you on the old fashioned tip. I am terribly old school when it comes to dating. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I was initially very uncomfortable with online dating. The one positive for me with online dating is that it can be a great place to flirt.

      I don’t know much about all dating sites, but with match.com you can do flirt with a man you find appealing by “winking” at him. If he winks back then you can start up a conversation online. If he doesn’t, no harm, no foul.

      I had an occasion to wink at a really cute Latino guy who said he had a “fetish for high heels.” His profile was intriguing — and that little tidbit was so weirdly hilarious — that I sent him a wink with a message asking, “Do you have a fetish for *wearing* high heels or for women who wear them?”

      He wrote back (he liked women who wore them) and we conversed online for a couple of weeks, then decided to meet. Ultimately we didn’t end up being a compatible pair, but I made the first move with my wink…and didn’t feel like I compromised anything in the process.

      For me, I guess, it’s no different than giving a man a compliment just because — no strings attached. In fact, I did that very thing yesterday with this very friendly — and absolutely cute — sales clerk who was helping me at The Gap. (By the way, he gave *me* a nice little wink before I left the store.) I wasn’t looking for a date — just a cute outfit for my niece’s birthday — and it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever see the guy again. But if I do…who knows?

      Flirting doesn’t have to be overt and doesn’t have an end game…at least not for women. (That was the subject of another blog post.) More to the point, flirting can definitely open you up to a few possibilities that might end up working out nicely in your favor.

      Since we’ve given men a 4-1-1 on how to flirt better with women, in an upcoming post we’ll be discussing the art of flirting for ladies. So stay tuned…

      • Neecy permalink
        July 1, 2010 10:46 am

        Janice I am looking forward to that future post!!! So many of us BW need it…

        You know you’re right. A woman has to know the line between flirting and coming onto a guy or approaching a guy for romantic interest. i think you have found your comfort zone. I also think men do generally appreciate flirtaciousness from a woman even if its not to lead to anything but just flirting.

        i agree flirting should be done on both sides but so many of us (especially BW) simply don’t know how to do it!!

        I think that stems from dealing with Bm most our lives. BM for the most part are very aggressive whether you are interested or not. We are used to Bm literally going after what they want. So therefore BW who have dated Bm all of our lives are now finding we are in different territory with other races of men who are not as aggressive and forward as some BM are. IOW’s I never needed to flirt with a BM. they always felt very comfortable in approaching women who may or may not show any interest.

  12. Neecy permalink
    July 1, 2010 9:34 am

    Also, let me add. Its a very tricky thing these days for many BW wanting to date IR b/c often times a Black women open to IR may feel she needs to make the first move to let the Non Black guy know she is open to dating outside of her race. Many White or Non Blk men say BW are not very approachable or they are simply unsure if they should approach said BW out of fear she may reject him b/c of his race.

    BUT as many BWE bloggers have suggested, you do not have to literally approach a Non Blk man or man in general to let him know you are interested. All a woman has to do is show her interest and openess through various body language techniques (a 3-5 second eye contact hold, a slight smile, turning your body towards him in an open manner etc.). These are small hints and ques men generally like to see before they feel comfy in approaching a woman.

    men are well aware of the ways in which women can let them know that, yes, they ar einterested and, yes, its okay to approach them without the woman being literal about it.

    just my 2 cents.

  13. Elaine permalink
    July 1, 2010 10:20 am

    Any there any mothers here? In particular mothers of young women? I ask because I wonder do you guys discuss topics like this with your daughter?

    I grew up in a strict, sheltered household. I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 and even then they made it quite clear that I should not be worrying about boys. Thus, there was no discussion about dating period. So what I do know now comes from learning from the mistakes of friends and family members’ dating experiences.

    • Hodan permalink
      July 1, 2010 1:44 pm

      I’m not a mother, but grew up in a very conservative household like you. Ironically though, the women in my family are very matriarchal minded in the sense that I grew up with a strong sense of independence and individual identity. Of course we never discussed sex since we were taught it should only happens within the sanctity of marriage, but my grandmother, mom and aunts taught me the importance of self respect, how to watch out for predatory men, never trust a man alone without knowing him for years, etc, etc. I think sometimes religious and conservative parents are so stupid in the sense they confuse morality with education. You can educate your daughters about the reality of sexual abuse, physical violence, STDS, Aids and other toxic elements by giving them the tools to know and be informed instead of relying on our peers and stupid teen oriented shows.

      Just because you have the knowledge does not mean you run out and sex some dude the first time you meet him. Heck after one of my Sex Ed class (which my mom allowed me to attend), scared me from ever committing anything risky in high school. The idea of unplanned pregnancy was a recurring nightmares for me.

  14. MadamCJCPA permalink
    July 1, 2010 10:22 am

    I know this book was suggested in an earlier blog posting from a few weeks ago, but it bears repeating. “The Rules” & “The Rules II” are two of the best books that I have read that have some really great tips for women in dealing with men from the initial (is he interested?) stage through the dating stage. Some of the tips are questionable, but as with anything you keep the substance and toss the rest.

  15. randomthoughtsfromcali permalink*
    July 1, 2010 10:34 am

    Neecy :

    Also, let me add. Its a very tricky thing these days for many BW wanting to date IR b/c often times a Black women open to IR may feel she needs to make the first move to let the Non Black guy know she is open to dating outside of her race. Many White or Non Blk men say BW are not very approachable or they are simply unsure if they should approach said BW out of fear she may reject him b/c of his race.

    BUT as many BWE bloggers have suggested, you do not have to literally approach a Non Blk man or man in general to let him know you are interested. All a woman has to do is show her interest and openess through various body language techniques (a 3-5 second eye contact hold, a slight smile, turning your body towards him in an open manner etc.). These are small hints and ques men generally like to see before they feel comfy in approaching a woman.

    men are well aware of the ways in which women can let them know that, yes, they ar einterested and, yes, its okay to approach them without the woman being literal about it.

    just my 2 cents.

    Neecy, this is very good advice. Even thought I thought Deborrah’s advice was good, something in the back of my mind thought about how [some] BW openly diss WM who approach them, and as a result, those men are just afraid to get clowned in public. These women really do make it hard for the rest of us. But, the body language tricks are definitely a way to communicate interest.

    • Neecy permalink
      July 1, 2010 10:51 am

      YES Random this is what I often wonder with instances like this. face it, BW’s reputation overall for being welcoming to men of other races has not been good. So i do wonder with BW when it comes to Non Blk men, how much of it is the males actually simply not wanting to get their heads possibly chopped of vs. simply not being that interested in said BW. Like i said its a tricky sitiation!

      That’s why its so important for IR BW to consistenly start doing those kinds of body language techniques to show openess. this will seperate us from the BW who are “BM only BW” and not interested in dating IR.-

  16. July 1, 2010 10:42 am

    Oh, that staring business brings back memories. I remember in high school this guy and I used to eyeball other each in gym class. I wasn’t interested in him, I just liked looking. Later, I realized he was either socially inept, or liked looking too. No harm, no foul.

    A long time ago, I had a gf convince me (against my better instincts) to ask one guy for his number, and approach another to chat. Both were vain, and rather mean, peacocks. (They were black men in case anyone is interested, but I’m not saying it to dis them.) I never evah did it again. She used to kill me with this, “He likes you, can’t you tell? He’s looking at you.”; I’d say, “If he’s not saying it to my face, I don’t care.”

    Even today she tries to “love connection” me with jokers. I don’t pay her any mind.

    ‘Cause it’s true, all my ex-boyfriends are guys who initially stared then came over to talk. It’s not complicated. Pursuing men is a (humiliating) waste of time.

  17. Janice Rhoshalle permalink
    July 1, 2010 10:58 am

    Neecy, staying open is *absolutely* key in attracting any man of any race or culture. With the lifeguard with whom I’m having a first date with on Saturday, he approached me while I was hanging out on the beach with my three nieces. He complimented their little sand castle, which of course I thought was sweet…and off the conversation went.

    After a little small talk and an exchange of names, he went about his business and said he’d “see me around.” (By then, he was well aware that I frequented the beach.) The next Sunday — on his day off, mind you — he was in the area where I told him I usually go walking. When we ran into each other again, there was more light chit chat before he asked me out for lunch.

    The other two dudes (both Mexican) that asked me out were also guys I see regularly at my local farmers market and just starting chatting with…and voila! After a few weeks, they each expressed their interest in going out with me.

    Where this will lead, I can’t say. Right now it’s just lunch, just a movie date, just an afternoon in Santa Barbara. But men are keenly aware of when to make their moves and, if women show they’re giving them the chance, they will most certainly make it known that they are interested. Some may choose to take their time about it, and others are a little more quick on the draw. But when a guy finds someone he likes, he’s usually going to go after her if she shows she’s open. A simple smile will definitely do the trick.

  18. kaikou permalink
    July 1, 2010 11:34 am

    Flirting tips! Yay! Can’t wait!

  19. Jules permalink
    July 1, 2010 11:47 am

    Sorry, if a guy is staring and not approaching after having numerous opportunities and given the green light, I have to say he’s just not that into you. Men are biologically the hunters, so if a man really wants to hunt a woman down, nothing short of a shot gun will stop him. This young lady should direct her energy in places that would be fruitful to her and forget about a guy that is obviously not as interested as she initially perceived.

    I am not big on this staring thing, a few furtive glances is more appealing to me personally. If a guy is constantly staring at me and not making any effort to introduce himself will automatically put him on a possibly mentally ill list.

    • Hodan permalink
      July 1, 2010 1:37 pm

      lol, I hear ya…esp that last line is so true.

  20. Eugenia permalink
    July 1, 2010 3:11 pm

    Well, I’m young enough to know having a man approach you is great and very complimentary but old enough to be bold enough to approach a man. It’s unfortunate, that most people women and men have no idea how to flirt, it’s a lost art. We sit there and stare like we’re crazy and we usually look crazy. Flirting works but as black women, we have some self-confidence issues. Now, I must say I say white women flirting all the time but we’ve been told by so many people that we aren’t attractive and no one wants us black men and they really don’t want us either some have taken it into their psyche. I don’t know how many black women have asked me about dating white men and do they really like black women and it’s a resounding ‘yes, they do’. I’ve only ever dated white men, I’ve never dated a black man, just not my style. LOL. And exuding confidence attracts people to you, being unsure about whether you are worthy of a date or love is get you another friday or saturday night watching movies on the couch with your dog. And please here’s a tip for black women, smile boy we can sometimes look seriously mean and a smile is a wonderful easy way to flirt. It works.

  21. sharon permalink
    July 1, 2010 3:13 pm

    Well if she is bold enough to talk to him ,just come out and ask why he stares at her!
    It’s not like they’ve never spoken

    • Eugenia permalink
      July 1, 2010 3:14 pm

      I concur with that. If you ask the question, you get the answer then you no longer have to waste your time guessing.

  22. July 1, 2010 3:59 pm

    Can we get a little more specific here for us who haven’t tasted the rainbow yet? lol. What kind of smile? and how long should the eye contact last? And where do non-black men usually approach women? I walk around campus at school, or walking around campus at work, or on the metro, the gym, stores…and I don’t see non-black men approaching anybody… let alone interacting with black women or making eye contact… so where are these non-black men interested in bw located? and how do we flirt if they won’t make eye contact? (and no I’m not obese, lol). I don’t know if it’s my age (early 20s) or location DMV.

    • Eugenia permalink
      July 1, 2010 5:38 pm

      I’ve heard DC is a great place for interracial dating. I guess that’s not true. And being 20 is great, don’t worry you’ll do a lot of dating in my early 20′s I did and I’m 38 now.

  23. Ali permalink
    July 1, 2010 4:38 pm

    Hey mel – I have some tips/or thing that have REALLY worked for me in the past – try ‘em and see. I think I mentioned some of this before, on another post, so everyone please forgive me for repeating.

    - get a platonic non-black male friend. Really platonic – if he’s great looking, all the better. Get comfortable hanging out with white guys. Play pool with him, coffee after class, whatever. There’s a prevelant idea that bw are not interested in non-black males, thanks to all the ‘black love’ nonsense that some black women spew in the media. For the same reason that you somehow become more attractive when you’re dating somene – people will see you hanging out with him and think – hmmmm. Also, he might have friends. Also you will get more comfortable with the ways white males interact – very diff. from the way black males interact.

    - If you’re in college – join an ultimate frisbee team or a world cup watching group or a group hiking/camping outdoorsy group or chess team – something extracurricular that puts you in REGUALR weekly contact with these guys. Don’t be a phony – make sure it’s something you really enjoy, you don’t want to be the girl who pretends to like sports or camping to get the guy – but put yourself in a sitaution where you are regluarly hanging out with the sort of guys you want to meet.

    - when you go out on friday/ sat nights – go to a place that’s mixed crowd, and don’t go with more than one girlfriend – more women at a table can be intimatdaing. Have fun, be cool, look ridiculously hot, and let the guys appproach you. Strike up a fun conversation with a guy, even if he’s not exactly what you’re looking for. Really have fun in life, out and about, in general – laugh – others will look over and want to see what the fuss is about. Be playful. Basicully act like you already have a boyfriend. Channel a 1920′s flapper – just be a sweet, playful, good time girl without going overboard. Warning – If you MUST drink – don’t drink too much. Nurse one glass of whatever the whole night.

    - If you’re going to be alone – be alone with other people around! LOL. If you have a book to read, go read it in the park, near a spot where people jog. If someone cute says hello to you, nod, smile, and say hello. Be relaxed- like ‘I’m so enjoying my book’ not ‘Boy, I hope someone talks to me’

    - look pretty. This seems obvious but it’s not. Don’t run around in sweatpants and an old t-shirt, even if you’re just going to the supermarket. Don’t go to early morning class looking tired and awful. Five mintues to do a swipe of mascara and take the hair out the pony tail can do wonders. Sometime speople are watching you, and you don’t even know it.

    - Be sure to take advantage of college and study abroad!! This is non-negotioble – when you get out in the ‘real world’ it will be much harder to get away. May I suggest France? I hear Italy’s nice. Learning a foreign languge will also increase your job prospects. At least one term, but a whole year would be better. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

    Happy Hunting!

    • Hodan permalink
      July 1, 2010 5:27 pm

      That is the exact memo for young black women to follow, Ali hit it on the head. I can attest to the fact traveling abroad, doing an internship overseas and joining clubs/activities you really like or were curious about is the best way to meet people. Heck, I used all these connections for networking and amazing friendships, if romance develops then its an added bonus, if not I got my hands full of everything I want anyway.

      I also have to say @ uni in my undergrad, I never joined the black students association or even my own religious group, the Muslim Students Association. I will support their projects and attend what I felt was worth showing up for, but most of my social life was surrounded by what I was passionate about and can advance my future goals. Most of my friends are from all ethnic and religious diversity, it might have something to do with that facts I was never racially conscious about a lot of the nonsense older generation obsess over. I remember one of my best friend’s colleague asking her if she has any black friends (he’s from the Caribbean) and she could not think of any @ the time. It was only when she got home, she realized yes I have Hodan and Muna, but to her friendship wasn’t about race or color. She just thought of us as one of her favorite people to have in her life. You want quality people in your life and looking outside of your own box helps a lot.

  24. July 1, 2010 4:49 pm

    Good point. My social circle is made of mostly blacks.
    Actually, I think it’ll be better to meet a diversity of men outside of college. I just finished undergrad, and most of the men didn’t seem too open-minded (like I said before, avoiding eye contact and usually only interacting with people of their own race). So I hope the “real world” is better.

  25. boomer babe permalink
    July 1, 2010 4:50 pm

    I think she needs to use ‘small talk’ like asking the guy ‘what is the time’, etc. or where something is–I use small talk all the time with both men and women. If he doesn’t approach after that, I would leave him alone. it seema guys dont have to ask women out because these feminist fools have tricked them into thinking there like men–then they find out otherwise because the man is putting her into the position he should be—women don’t ask men to marry them, men ask women to marry them. He knows someone will ask him out, pay his way, drive him to the club, AND sleep with him…..sigh…..

  26. Ali permalink
    July 1, 2010 5:27 pm

    boomer babe, I can’t STAND the feminist fools. They really do screw it up for everybody. Then they wonde why they’re unhappy and single. . . . .Women are not men (thank god!). NEVER approach a guy. NEVER pay his way. NEVER sleep with a guy before 2- 3 months, minimum. those women are idiots.

  27. Eugenia permalink
    July 1, 2010 5:33 pm

    There is no ‘magic bullet’ in finding men, any man really. Personally my thing is most men are similar, they do similar things, they’re more alike than different. I just say it like it is, I like white men, I just do. I don’t explain that to people and don’t feel the need to. Some things work, some don’t, smiling works as long as it’s genuine. You know what a genuine smile is for you, not me. If he doesn’t smile back or looks away, he’s not interested move on with your life. But I think sometimes it’s just that no one wants to be rejected, so no one men or women put themselves out there to possibility be rejected. We don’t talk to people, we don’t flirt because we’re in fear of rejection. I can understand that it hurts the ego when someone rejects you. I took this mantra from someone on tv, ‘Rejection is God’s Protection’ and the best one ever ‘Everyone gets rejected’. LOL. I’ve rejected some and been rejected. Once I got over my fear of rejection it was much easier to get out and meet people, if I got rejected I moved on. It hurt a little bit but I didn’t die.

    My whole social circle is not completely black but it mostly is, so hanging out with white people don’t particularly get you white men. Surprisingly a lot of white men who like black women are at places with black people. Okay, that means that as groups you keep missing each other. But I do go to all kinds of different clubs, bars, social events but I live in a diverse city. Now, I can’t say what you do if you live in a city where diversity means everyone goes to the major sporting events together. So, I can’t say I’ve ever had an issue finding a white guy to date, I live in Seattle it’s a interracial/diversity mecca and it just didn’t get that way. Interracial dating and marriage has been going on a long time here, there are tons of bi-racial adults for proof of that.

    There’s no guarantee, my first husband I met via a blind date by a black girlfriend of mine. My about to be second husband I met the internet. It’s a toss up.

  28. July 2, 2010 12:08 am

    Too increase your odds as a BW:

    Go where there are more men than women. Go where there are more non-Black than Black.

    Do things that naturally require people to interact, like co-ed team sports, formal dancing, group projects. Rock climbing is good because you need to help each other, there are opportunities for innocent touching, and you can watch and be watched intensely (for safety of course).

    Do something, attend something, wear something, own something, eat something, or discuss something that shouts non-Black, so long as it’s still something that speaks to you. For instance, country/Western music/dancing, beer brewing, NASCAR, Tai Chi, vintage cars, hockey or other winter sports, pow wows, rodeo, ethnic food, foreign films, bowling (watch your back), golf, sailing, surfing, dog agility, bird watching, horseback riding, classical concerts, foreign language or travel, bear wrestling, overseas espionage. Even if what you choose isn’t something you are into, it shows you are open to non-Black people and experiences.

    Smile.

    Learn everybody’s name.

  29. July 2, 2010 12:14 am

    Aabaakawad :
    Even if what you choose isn’t something you are into, it shows you are open to non-Black people and experiences.

    OOPS, that should be:

    … isn’t something he is into …

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 66 other followers

%d bloggers like this: